Pregnant people are stalking me.
It’s like they can smell that I am done reproducing, so they waddle up to me all glowy and adorable and rub their gestation in my face.
I just want a beautiful little baby growing in my belly again.
Andy told me to get a tape worm.
Andy’s an asshole.
Motherhood is a club.
Men can’t relate.
I wouldn’t let my dad in the delivery room, but I would show a complete stranger in Target my episiotomy scars if she was a mom…or if they had a camera and said they were doing a documentary on episiotomies. I am pretty sure this is why there are all those pictures of Britney Spears’ vagina. It was clearly all a big misunderstanding.
This is also why Andy won’t go into Target with me anymore.
That and because I stand in the aisles too long looking threateningly at people who I think are about to steal something.
They don’t know if I am fucking undercover or not, Andy, and you are totally blowing it!
So, yesterday I was in line behind a pregnant lady in Walmart.
She had on yoga pants and a tank top. Which isn’t anything special because I wear that shit all the time. It’s way easier to dig fallen bits of Oreo out of spandex than it is out of denim.
But she was was thin, and had things like carrots and water in her cart.
She apparently doesn’t wear yoga pants for the same reasons I do.
And then the cashier was all, here, let me lift that water for you, and she is like, no, I got it, I am still pumped up from pilates this morning.
And then I rolled my eyes.
Of course this very pregnant, skinny, naive lady goes to pilates and eats carrots.
Just as I am about to give her my wait until you pop out three kids and can’t hold your urine anymore look, she is like, Oh my God, I didn’t realize what time it was, I have to hurry and pick my four boys up from karate.
And then I punched her in the stomach.
The end.
P.S. This lady is not in my motherhood club.
P.P.S. I didn’t really punch her in the stomach.
P.P.P.S. Seriously. Do not send me hate mail about it.
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Why On God’s green earth would you want to workout while pregnant when you have a perfectly good excuse to sit on your butt eating sweets and getting fat?!?! Seriously, I would have punched her in the stomach too.
I’m currently pregnant with my fourth kid, I’ve mentioned this. I was JUST thinking about how I absolutely can’t stand women who are all sexy and fit and lovely and stylish and wearing slumpy shit and making it LOOK GOOD, while I struggle to not waddle by the end of the first trimester and shove shit like chocolate milk in my mouth. Bitches. Secretly, I totally imagine that those women have husbands at home who are bald and fat and creepy, but probably got a lot of money, which just makes chicks like that shallow AND totally gross, cos I so wouldn’t sleep with an ugly guy just for money.
Unless he was like a millionare then I might reconsider. But I’d just end up spending his money on chocolate to console myself for the evil thing I was doing for his money.
Dammit, women like that shouldn’t exist, it’s making me look bad!
I would have handled this the same way, a swift punch in the Ute.
How about being UNABLE to get pregnant EVER and then be surrounded by pregnant, happy, belly rubbing women at the Gyno’s office. I didn’t wanna punch them in the belly. I wanted to punch them in the fucking face. While I’m waiting to do bloodwork MONTHLY to tell me my uterus and all the other needed parts in there SUCK, I have to sit next to pretty pregnant princess? Please! If I was a Gyno, I’d have to pregnant side and unpregnant side in the waiting room. I’m surprised nobody has been killed in there before. And no babies were stolen from preggo’s belly like on Private Practice.
I would hate you too with your fucking fertile insides, but since you hate half the pregnant women out there, you’re in the clear.
I have no desire to ever be pregnant again, but I can still see your reasoning for wanting punch the carrot eater.
And in a couple months she’ll be doing pilates wearing a pad, so she can suck it.
oh, *gag*
Is that the new, hip version of real life: thin– even when pregnant, well dressed–even in sweat pants (and let’s face it, yoga pants are SWEAT PANTS!) and functional–even with four kids?
Is it supposed to be funny? Cute? Charming? Cool, for Christ’s sake? Because it’s not any of those things. I would have punched her in the stomach, too (not really either, but absolutely wonderful fantasy, isn’t it?).
i want to go to target with you, undercover, wearing yoga pants and eating oreos in the aisle while staring down women who blast out 4 kids and then skip off to pilates without dripping urine out of their beaten bladder.
I love you.
I wouldn’t have punched her in the stomach but maybe I would have tried to trip her with a bottle of Ensure or something!
You know what bugs me! People who exercise and actually enjoy it! Something is seriously wrong with those people! I don’t want to hear about have awesome your pilates class was and how tight your ass feels. Asses are supposed to be flabby so the can giggle when you walk!
And I am also seriously disturbed by people who declare that they can eat anything and not get fat. I don’t believe it! You probably spend 3 hours at the gym or go barf after you’ve eaten a slice of pizza. Because if that shit is true, God is TOTALLY unfair!
I could go on, but this is your blog, so I’ll leave the cussing to you!
Did you just say pregnant, thin, pilates and FOUR boys all in the same breath? Hate her. Hope she’s having ANOTHER boy…
So I always read and almost NEVER manage to comment but damn. I love you. And next time I go to Target, I’ll bring my camera. That way I’ll be a MOM doing a documentary on episiotomies.
So…I am another reader and non commenter but really! I just can’t wait to read your blog when it is new. There are so many times that I agree with every word you say. And I agree…I hope she has another boy cause if it is a girl I’m sure she will be a spoiled snot!
I also read you all the time, and never comment, because I’m shy like that, and you might be like ‘gah, go away with your non-motherly self.’
My theory;
She was not actually pregnant. Totally a body-suit. Also not having of 4 sons. Just your average pilate-driven every-day aspiring actress. Most likely she is having a celebratory freshly-juiced smoothie and patting herself on the back for convincing the whole of Target that she is pregnant with four boys.
It was probably secretly filmed. This will be her big break. Next thing you know she’ll be showing up in Twilight…
just imagine! Your own little tapeworm. You can hug him and squeeze him and call him GROSS!
ick. I almost made it to the end of that quote!
Omg that was hilarious! I thoroughly enjoyed that….I’m sure alot of us can relate!!!
Hate those damn girls who look like that. They ruin it for everybody.
I laughed so hard on this one I peed a little…and I’ve only had one baby.
You are so hilarious.
My sister in law was like that!! She was all skinny and pregnant and I wanted SO BAD to just punch her cause she was all like “I’m so fat! I can’t wait until this kid pops out so I can dress normally again!” And I was all “Shut up you skinny little bitch! You weigh at nine months pregnant what I weighed pre-pregnancy!”
Yeah, and now that she’s popped that gorgeous godson of mine out… she’s back to her pre-preggo size. Uh huh… So now I want to punch her EVEN MORE!
BUT! It’s creeping up on her cause the other day she was complaining that she’s gaining weight and doesn’t fit in her size 5′s anymore. I was a size 5 when I was fucking 13, ok?
But… I digress!
Yet another wonderful post. You brighten my day! Thanks!
Skinny and preggers? Oh I would have punched her! Lmao….
I love you.
Funny shit girl.
HA! I JUST had this experience the other day only she was buying carrots AND apples. Smug bitch. All cute and petite and pregnant. And here I sit. with my lovely son (almost 3 now) buying Dannimal Yogurt smoothies and hot dog buns b/c that’s the only thing he eats, and I’m trying to cover up the toll house cookie dough that I plant to cook and eat tonight. That bitch probably makes cookies from scratch. I remember doing that before I had a kid. Yep. Good times.
LOVE this post!
Gah! I can’t even do pilates when I’m not pregnant.
I’m kicking you out of my club for NOT punching her in the stomach. What a hooker.
Can I take Brittany’s spot???
If it is any consolation, the mere fact of adopting 3 older children caused me to gain 25 pounds during my “pregnancies”. Might not sound like much but keep in mind that there were no 7.5 pound babies + 10 pounds of gushy shit in there that comes shooting out like a rocket on game day (yeah, I know there is more to it than that but I really enjoy the rocket visual). Anyhoo, instead of the usual places of pregnancy weight, I got 25 pounds of muffin top and double chin (I like to refer to my second chin as the “new twin”). I’m just trying to figure out a way to bring double chins and muffin tops in style. I consider myself a trendsetter.
Skinny pregnant women are scary. They are obviously genetically altered mutants sent to Earth to make real people moms feel bad. Death to skinny pregnant mutant bitches!
Um, seriously? Who is skinny when they are pregnant? It sure as hell isn’t me …
I would have wanted to punch her in the stomach too. Oh, and I bet she’s one of those women that don’t get stretch marks either … like my freak of nature SIL. Punk.
I would have sent her evil thoughts with my Jedi stare. She totally deserved it. Don’t worry, she’ll be fat after this one pops out. It’s only fair.
We’re also done reproducing, which makes me very sad. But also, I know that there is no way in hell or heaven that I could bake another baby. And I know that if I could, my husband would probably go crazy. Obviously, we’re too old in every sense of the word.
It still makes me sad, though.
Really loving this post. I would have punched her too! three of my best friends have 4 kids each and are about size 2′s each. I would like to kill them but the last time I checked murder was illegal though if I got a female overweight judge I just might get off…
That sucks. I know a few Moms who have three or four kids and are super skinny. Bitches. Some women are just made like that. My hips haven’t gone back to my boyish shape since I had my two girls, nine and six years ago!
Take it light, Moms are supposed to be squishy.
Sadie at heymamas
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