Pregnant people are stalking me.
It’s like they can smell that I am done reproducing, so they waddle up to me all glowy and adorable and rub their gestation in my face.
I just want a beautiful little baby growing in my belly again.
Andy told me to get a tape worm.
Andy’s an asshole.
Motherhood is a club.
Men can’t relate.
I wouldn’t let my dad in the delivery room, but I would show a complete stranger in Target my episiotomy scars if she was a mom…or if they had a camera and said they were doing a documentary on episiotomies. I am pretty sure this is why there are all those pictures of Britney Spears’ vagina. It was clearly all a big misunderstanding.
This is also why Andy won’t go into Target with me anymore.
That and because I stand in the aisles too long looking threateningly at people who I think are about to steal something.
They don’t know if I am fucking undercover or not, Andy, and you are totally blowing it!
So, yesterday I was in line behind a pregnant lady in Walmart.
She had on yoga pants and a tank top. Which isn’t anything special because I wear that shit all the time. It’s way easier to dig fallen bits of Oreo out of spandex than it is out of denim.
But she was was thin, and had things like carrots and water in her cart.
She apparently doesn’t wear yoga pants for the same reasons I do.
And then the cashier was all, here, let me lift that water for you, and she is like, no, I got it, I am still pumped up from pilates this morning.
And then I rolled my eyes.
Of course this very pregnant, skinny, naive lady goes to pilates and eats carrots.
Just as I am about to give her my wait until you pop out three kids and can’t hold your urine anymore look, she is like, Oh my God, I didn’t realize what time it was, I have to hurry and pick my four boys up from karate.
And then I punched her in the stomach.
The end.
P.S. This lady is not in my motherhood club.
P.P.S. I didn’t really punch her in the stomach.
P.P.P.S. Seriously. Do not send me hate mail about it.
{ 85 comments… read them below or add one }
Next Comments →
My husband is not up for reproducing right now either. *sigh*
He said we could reevaluate after our trip to Amsterdam in July. I kind of see his point…
P.S. I would have punched her in the stomach.
HA HA HA HA HA! Awesome.
I am pregnant. I don’t do yoga. I got winded carrying some books upstairs. I just ate an enchilada the length of my arm. The end.
Where is she. I will.
You are Awesome!!
My husband’s *nephew’s girlfriend is due in March. Her belly is the size of a grapefruit, no lie. She sits on the couch rubbing her “huge” belly and it really irritates me. She saw me when I had my youngest 2 yrs ago, now that was HUGE. I didn’t have a belly the size of a watermelon, it was the size of a watermelon truck, ok. What made me want to punch my husband’s *nephew in the face was when he said, “She gained 20 pounds. She used to weigh 89 lbs, now she weighs 109 lbs. She’s big.” He needs to just SHUT UP!!
*His nephew is 21, because that just makes me sound really old, which I am not, I do not claim him to be MY nephew*
yoga? really?? that’s nice. Now we all know what she does with the carrots. They really are good for more than just your eyes.
I hate those people!
Maybe Diane Keaton has really ugly hands. Or maybe they are always cold, even in the summer.
I don’t really like her since she annoyed me in that movie with Jack Nicholson and Keanu Reeves.
She probably does pilates in her yoga pants, too.
Hate that bitch.
Ugh. Mom’s like that really ruin it for the rest of us, you know?
I am not sure how I feel about people who go on and on about how fat they are, when they are 8 and a half months pregnant and have NOTHING on me and my (not pregnant) belly.
Hope her baby is orange.
tiny babies make my uterus ache. and they make it feel empty. when i tell my husband this, he says “well, it’s not empty. you have an iud.” jackass.
when i was going to my prenatal yoga class, i would show up with minutes to spare, racing in from work. i barely had time to stop home and change. my hair was frizzy. my makeup (if i had ever bothered with it that day) was smeared and old. i was wearing tshirts and sweats or my tatty old yoga pants. and then i would sit my mat next to the women who had their perfect hair and perfect make up and their perfect prenatal yoga outfits that showcased their perfectly toned arms and basketball bellies. they didn’t work because their husbands were wine geniuses and doctors. they made me feel inferior.
and you know what really sucked? they were so damn nice, like genuinely nice, that i couldn’t even hate them. that made me feel worse.
OMG, I can’t believe you punched a pregnant lady in the stomach, I hate you!
Tiny babies & pregnant women are my undoing.. I’m still having a hard time dealing with no more babies from this ole uterus.
Of course not. You just visualized punching her in the stomach. Now visualize it again for me. Thanks.
OMG, YOU WERE IN LINE BEHIND ELISABETH HASSELBECK?!?!?!
I hope you threw an Oreo and 5 cheeseburgers at her.
Although, the skinny bitch would probably block the flying objects with her bag of carrots and a killer Jujitsu kick or something.
DAMN HER.
Welcome to Dallas.
Ack! I hate skinny pregnant chicks! It’s like they’re afraid to eat! I gained 60lbs with my daughter and well, I uh…have not lost any of it! (have I mentioned she’s almost 2?! Heh)
Thats ok. I gained 75 and she is 4. 5 in april
( never mind me I am the lady hiding in the closet sobing into yummyyummmy ice cream 
Why are men so mean?
I know that my baby is only 4 mos old, and I can’t handle another one right now, but if I let the thought sink in that I won’t be having any more babies, then I sob like a crazy woman.
Seriously, why are there so many bellies around the minute you proclaim you’re done? And why must husbands be all like “NOOOOO” when you suggest more offspring?
*nods*
Yes. The fact that Diane Keaton wears gloves all.the.fucking.time really does bother me a trifle.
Psht. I stayed healthy and skinny throughout my pregnancy and still gained 40 pounds! It was a (nearly) 10lb baby and cankles that made me so heavy. Fucking cankles. Now I have three pairs of wide-ass size 10 shoes that I can’t wear.
haha!!!! so funny!
BWAHAHAHAHA! I’m waiting for someone to jump in all literal-minded and go “Britney had c-sections!!!” I have had three children and was a whale during each pregnancy. I admire your restraint in not ACTUALLY punching that chick (although I would’ve aimed for the nose to protect the bayyyybeeee because won’t someone PLEASE think of the children!). Also: babies. Pregnancy. Sigh. The spot where my uterus used to be hurts. My husband was showing me a picture of his son (from a previous marriage–the son in question is now seventeen and decidedly uncute) as an infant the other day and I was all “OMG nom nom nom look at him no stop, take the picture away from me, my nipples are tingling” and he looked at me like I was some kind of freak.
Men.
I think you and I may live parallel lives? Possible? I just had the exact same experience at the mall the other day. She had her skinny pregnant belly and her Juicy sweatpants and gigantic Prada bag with her toddler daughter (who was completely adorable by the way) in a beautiful stain/wrinkle-free dress and cute hair bows. Ya know so put together? I think to my self OMG I am a disgusting wrinkly slob I should just go home and cry. But instead I get a Cinnibun and a soda and wonder why I can’t be skinny too.
I pride myself on the fact that my kids generally look homeless when we are out in public. Screw those perfectly coordinated little smocked clothes wearing asshats with their matching socks and bows. And their mothers. My kids inevitably have goo on their faces from their last snack, snotty noses because, well, my yoga pants don’t have pockets and my bra is too full of stretched out mommy ex-fun-bags to stuff tissue in there. On top of that, my daughter refuses to wear ANYTHING I pick out, and she prefers to coordinate her outfits based on the day’s panties. So if she puts on the pink panties with the blue and brown cupcakes with red cherries on them, she’ll end up with brown and pink flowered leggings and a red shirt that has a blue tag. Because, MOM, (insert roll of the four-year-old eyes) it totally matches. Oh and did I mention she has funky cow-licks in her hair and screams and runs when I brush it. So I keep it short and let it go mostly unbrushed. A win-win. And my son likes rain boots. And pajamas. Together at all times of the day and regardless of the weather. And other than school days, I sooooooo don’t care. So we go to Target like that regularly. And when people give me that “you are a pathetic excuse of a mother” as they push their little perfect asshat children around in their cart, I give them a pitying look back because surely they can’t be FUN moms if they spend that much time and energy on stupid shit like matching clothes and hair brushes. Surely they don’t have random rainy day unbirthday parties with cake and tickle fests and spontaneous disco parties in the living room and pillow fights and turn the living room into a camp site with tents made of bed sheets and real rocks and sticks for the pretend camp fire. Surely. Some day their little mini-asshats will put them in a home in their coordinated robes, slippers and head scarves and ignore them. And mine will be tickling me and spoon feeding me chocolate cake at a random unbirthday party in a tent in the living room.
Or so I tell myself.
Her nanny probably called in that she was sick and she would have to pick up her own kids. That’s what I’m thinking.
–>I know a young, pretty, SKINNY, pediatrician who has four kids under 6 years old and I’m waiting to find out she’s pregnant again. I think she just keeps having kids because then there is no food or time left to eat and she stays skinny. The End.
Ya know….if you grew a regular parasite….you could join the skinny bitch yoga mom’s club
She probably only said that because she could feel you staring at her and she wanted to make you jealous? Or, she wanted the cashier to hurry? I’m trying to make us all feel better, here.
1. Diane Keaton’s gloves and glasses bug the shit out of me.
2. I wish I had a tapeworm.
3. I’ll show you my scar if you show me yours.
People who wear yoga pants to actually do yoga? Are going to hell in a hand basket. At least, they should be.
I only own funhouse mirrors and they make me look skinny when I look at myself so I totally don’t know what you mean! But really, I could punch skinny moms too. I got pregnant and then got fat. Now I can’t give the fat back…
Pregnant women like that shock and annoy me. I was HUGE and my cart would have been filled with frozen pizzas, chips, and Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Wait, that may be why I got gestational diabetes. Shit!
It never occurred to me that Diane Keaton was kinda creepy or annoying until my husband pointed out the fact that she always wears bit fat thick belts with everything. Ever notice that?
So, what you are saying is that if I somehow got pregnant the one time I had sex over the last month and still ran a half marathon you would punch me?
And, p.s. I won’t run if i am pregnant. Because I really want to be in the mommy club.
You are also not anorexic in your spare time like she is.
And you are fabulous and she apparently is a whore.
A big one.
My husband and I adopted our two children after 7 or so years of trying to get pregnant (with the fertility specialist telling us over and over that nothing was wrong with us, and there was no reason we shouldn’t get pregnant). We just wanted kids, so we finally adopted. I am just now starting to feel the loss of never having given birth. Never bothered me before. But now I’m 40 and after so many years of not getting pregnant, it’s finally hitting me that – wow – I won’t ever experience carrying & giving birth to a baby. And there is a real feeling of loss there. I’m thankful, of course, for my two gorgeous & wonderful children, but well… anyway. In any case, I hate those skinny sporty pregnant bitches too!
There’s this lady I see almost every time I go grocery shopping. She has three of the most well behaved little girls, sitting in one of the crazy ass carts with like twelve rows of seats for the Duggars or something. Then she has this cute little baby in a sling. And everyone behaves and she gets her shopping done and loads everything in her Suburban all by herself. And she’s super thin and always looks nice. So last week I overheard her tell the cashier that she’s expeting her first boy. So this makes number five, and she’s obviously like past 20 weeks, if she already knows it’s a boy, unless she had an amnio or something, but those large families usually aren’t into all that invasive shit…..so can you come punch her in the stomache next?
Oh it’s not enough that Diane wears the gloves! What’s with the incredibly dopey hats and round sunglasses? Annie Hall is so OVER.
And, frankly, it doesn’t surprise me a bit that you punched that lady in the stomach.
Oh, you know you did!
okay, i have five little creatures (kids) and had ‘em all in eight years, and now no more babies for me (hysterectomy) but i would totally punch a smug skinny yoga pant wearing bi-otch for being all healthy with her carrots in front of me. i gained between 30-40 pounds with each pregnancy and then another 50 after the hysterectomy. But that was because it turns out that losing your girly bits make you want to eat ice cream and burger king a lot. So that totally wasn’t my fault. You clearly have excellent self control!
I am done having babies too. Although I would love to be pregnant again and hold that little bundle of joy.
Oh god! That made me laugh! I’m due in about four weeks and I can’t stand preggos like that! I look like I swallowed a beach ball and wanted to cry today when I realized I can’t put on socks anymore and my maternity pants are tight! WTF??
I’m a pee’r too.
So I understand.
Chicks like that arent allowed in the MOM club. If she doesnt have stretch marks and cellulite, and if her boobs dont flirt with her belly button, she cant play!
Dear Barefoot Foodie,
How do I love thee? Let me count the ways…
I love thee because you punch skinny pregnant people in the belly (or at least you want to).
I love thee because you know that yoga pants look good on people who are in the Mommy Club even if we wear them for the wrong reasons.
And mostly I love thee because I can be in your club and she can’t based on the above described requirements of entrance into said club.
THE END.
Oh. My. Gentle. Jesus. Where have you been all my life? I can’t believe I only discovered you today. I kept seeing you pop up on twitter with other super-cool chicks that I dig so I clicked and here I am-adoring you and your skinny -girl- kicking self.
I may be late to the Barefoot party but I may never leave.
After having 4 babies in 6 years, my body will NEVER be like it was before my husband and I reproduced…and me, being 5″5, and him, being 6″6- I WAS HUGE…and personally would get so pissed at the cute little preggers who complained about how “fat” they were. I was an awesome pregnant chick, and if I didn’t feel outnumbered by 4, would have been happy to be blessed with more of them!!
My husband got his balls clipped as well and it makes me want to punch pregnant women inthe vagina.
I have to remember to pee before I read your posts because although my youngest is six I still pee myself when I laugh.
I hate her. Doesn’t she know pregnancy is specifically for eating shit that’s bad for you. Hell you can’t drink alcohol you might as well eat Twinkies until you throw up.
I agree with Dawn if you can’t drink then it should be your right to eat everyf’ingthing that you can get your chubby pregnant fingers on.
did I mention my hands even got fat when I was pregnant? My wedding rings wouldn’t fit so I looked like the knocked up single mom.
with #2 I gained like 7pds in less than a week hubs of course was with me at the Dr and I gave him a death look and dared him to say a word.
really you could have punched her in the face and not hurt the baby. I would have bailed you out of jail and I am sure any of the Mommy clubbers would have also
I have skinny pregnant women. Even more women who pop out babies and bounce back in a week. Okay yes I am jealous!
Dude, my mom sees Diane Keaton at flea markets, and she WEARS HER FUCKING GLOVES TO THE FLEA MARKETS.
Diane Keaton, I mean. Not my mom. My mom wears sweat pants and my old college t-shirts. And no bra. My mom is awesome.
Next Comments →
{ 1 trackback }