I can’t fire people.
I do not have it in me.
If I am ever in the position to fire someone, I would hire someone to do it for me.
Because I would probably cry. And lose control of my bowels.
Unless that person did something really, really bad.
Like slept with my husband or touched small children or animals inappropriately.
Because that is disgusting.
No matter how cute the dog is.
I have only ever been fired once, and it wasn’t even a real firing, because I had totally already quit.
I was an event planner for a local country club, and my boss was this four foot tall Australian Oompa Loompa from hell.
Have you ever been yelled at by an Aussie who barely clears your pubic hair?
It’s scary.
I mean, she looked like a chubby little baby, and you just wanted to pick her up and pat her red little back until she burps, only instead of burping, she would, like, eat out your jugular.
It was a difficult place to work.
I was too apathetic to price gouge brides on cheap fillets and room temperature shrimp.
After a year, while my boss was on a walkabout*, I turned in my two week notice.
Because, honestly, she scared the fuck out of me.
She called me the next day and bitched me out in some crazy ass English-Aboriginal hybrid, threatened to rip my rectum out, started sobbing, and then asked me to stay on another month until she came home.
I really didn’t have anything else going on, so I did.
Each day at work, I would do the walk of shame, unshowered, in the previous day’s mascara, smelling like Big Macs and beer. I showed the facility in nylons speckled with nail polish where the runs had started, and had baby powder in my hair to hide the grease.
My boss came back to work to find me in my office watching Maury Povich and eating a Taco Supreme. I smelled like a bong.
She left and then returned 10 minutes later with the security guy. She told me I had to leave, and not steal anything.
I was shocked.
What the hell would I steal?
Chair cover samples? The dignity I left behind in the other room when I was bargaining the buffet price of Chicken Cordon Blue? Her little person shoes?
She escorted me the whole way out.
When we got to the door, she wished me good luck in life.
I called her a whore and told her to go home to Middle Earth.
I cried the whole drive home.
Some days, I still day dream about her being deported, like Elian Gonzalez, only instead of this cute little Cuban boy voice, she is screaming and all red faced like a tiny little Australian Sam Kinison.
It’s the best day dream ever.
*All my Australian terminology comes from Crocodile Dundee. You’re welcome. Mate.
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Brittany, I would totally love to spend five, perhaps even ten minutes inside your brain. Ok, five.
Classic. I love it. Its so very very funny.
Please tell me you really said that? I’m going to believe nothing else anyway. Have you ever heard the song short people (got no reason to live)? It’s one of my favorites
Ps. In regards to my FB comment, Safari was screwing me apparently. Firefox led the way and let me read your site-Hallelujah!
Yes. I said it. I am pretty sure I also flipped her off.
OMG. I had totally forgotten about Elian Gonzalez! Lol. I hope that biatch does get deported for that shizz she did to you. What a skank!
I am so happy I stumbled upon your blog….
You simply make me smile everyday!
I hate to be that guy (Who am I kidding? No I don’t.), but you spelled Vader wrong.
Oh Ben.
Dude, that is awesome. I wish I had as good a story for my firing, but alas…the only interesting part was that it was by my Aunt. On a Monday. In the morning.
That’s a WAY better story.
Sorry, what did you say? I got distracted because I started thinking about George Clooney in Up In The Air again… you know, the movie where he flies around American firing people? He’s hot. I’d love to be fired by him. So I could cry in his arms and follow him back to his hotel room.
See? I don’t only love vampires. Although, sigh. Edward.
Oh, also? I was fired from Treats once. Treats is like, a muffin fast-food store you find in malls. I was fired because my boss said I’d do better off working in a clothing store. I think secretly, there were cameras, because I did eat an awful lot of free muffins, carrot cake things, and cookies.
ohmigod. Love that your boss went walkabout. Your Australian terminology is spot on, I should know being a born and bred Aussie. But I promise when I yell, I yell at their faces, not their short and curlies!
How tall are you, and can I use you as my official legal reference source for all posts pertaining references to Australia?
5ft something ( don’t know the conversion lol), and of course, i’d be honoured to be your Aussie Dictionary..
That’s exactly why I’m not the boss of anyone: I couldn’t fire them. Not even if they showed up with baby powder hair & giving blow jobs in the stock room.
Not that I ever did that.
Ever.
Maybe once.
That’s the kind of thing that gets people raises around here.
Are walkabouts a solely Australian thing? Because the only times I’ve ever heard the term is when it’s somehow connected to Australia. Like how Locke went to Australia to go on a walkabout except he was in a wheelchair and they wouldn’t let him.
I’m pretty sure it’s an aboriginal thing, and I’m pretty sure it’s specific to walking about the Australian outback. I’ve never been to Australia, but I read a book called WALKABOUT in high school, so I think that makes me an expert or something.
I have had to fire people. It is AWFUL.
But I have seen businesses that fired people too …in the most awful, humiliating way….they should be shot.
I loved this post…..mate!
Okay, this totally blows my theory that midgets were put on the earth to make people happy. Dammit!
I think she was the only mean midget ever. That might medically mean she was a troll.
I think I’d be really good at firing people. I’m kinda a bitch and I don’t care what people think. It’s like the perfect combination for telling people to suck it.
funny stuff right there….haha my dr. was singing that crazy short people song to his nurse the other day. kinda weird.
anyway, I have a friend that you SO remind me of, I recommended your blog to her and she’s been a faithful reader since! Your humor is oddly similiar…it’d be crazy to get the 2 of you in the same room!!
Firing people suuuuuuuuuuuuuuucks. Even if they totally deserve it. It’s even worse when you fire them for being crappy employees that drink on the job and possibly steal…and their union gets them their job back. True story.
(Nothing against unions…just against shitty people who use them diabolically.)
I really thought that the Oompa Loompa Aussie was a dude. You said “she” and I had a big laugh.
I fire people every day. If you ever need back up – I’ve got your back. Mother Fucker, you’re outta here! (didn’t that sound tough?)
Ok I am officially hiring you to do all my dirty work and make me sound like a bad ass. Like Diddy.
Buhwahahahhahahahahahha
“red little back” boy can you paint a picture! I think having one boss like that is the most scarring, yet growth inducing experience a person can have. In case you are in a position of power (and have already hired the “kill guy”), you’ll know not to be a dick of a boss!
Crikey!
That’s hilarious, though. My grandmother is about 4’6″ and the most terrifying person I know. I love your daydream. It’s the stuff awesome is made from.
You are so frickin’ funny! I got fired once, but what sucked about it was they beat me to the punch – I was going to quit but they fired me first. Took all the glory out of quitting. So then I went on a walkabout. But not to Australia. I’m afraid of little people.
I recently got fired from a job that was worse than the worse hell. Even the devil wouldn’t work there. And the only reason I was there was because I couldn’t find another job, and I hoped and prayed that things would get better, but, of course, they never do, do they? Anyway, I’m still having nightmares about the place. It’s given me another reason for my Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, like I needed that.
OMG this job was just as traumatizing. I have never been on so much depression medication EVER. I still have nightmares about it.
Yeah, I’ve had to triple my meds since that job…I guess we live and learn. At least, I hope we do!
My nostrils hurt from the diet coke that spewed out of them. When will I ever learn not to drink and read your blog??
I have never been fired….except once. So ok technically I was fired, but totally got my job back. You know what the freakin’ irony is here….
I’m self employed. How the hell did I manage, to get fired, by someone else, when I work for myself?! I dunno, I’m still working it out and it happened like 4 years ago.
But they totally begged me to stay and almost nearly fired the guy that fired me, working for myself. It was hawt and pretty kinky and I came back all egotistical like BAM IN YO FACE DUDE!
Disclaimer: Yes, even though I joke around like a whack job, this is totally a true story. But I’m pretty sure you’ll be working out for the next 4 years how this happened to me. I would be sorry but it’s kinda funny tbh.
I got fired once. She was short. Or Aussie. She was a french bitch. Who cussed me out whenever she had the opportunity so the day she fired me.. I cussed her out. That was the most liberating moment of my life!
And then I walked out… crying.
But you can’t tell that people are crying if they’re walking away, right?
And for the record, if you worked for me and I found you smelling like a bong and watching Maury, I would totally give you a raise!
p.s. I can’t fire people either. That is why my stupid/hot/annoying nanny worked for me until she quit. On December 30th… Asshole!
LMAO !!
I was once supposed to be fired but it was my roommate doing it. She was such a douchebag (long story there) and so terrible at it that I pretty much fired myself so I could get the hell out of there before my next b day.
I have no problem firing people. Used to do it for my hubby. He would fire people in a way that they didn’t know they were fired and would keep showing up for work. But I’m never mean about it because too many people in the world own guns and listen to their dogs.
“Have you ever been yelled at by an Aussie who barely clears your pubic hair?” Wow, I have been and it was amazing.
God, that woman sounds just like a boss I had, only that bitch fired me twice! (And, no, I don’t want to discuss the fact that I went back to work for her after the first firing.) I’m going to envision her as short–she’s already fat. I like that.
And what the fuck is wrong with smelling like a bong?
Ohhhh….kay. This:
“I smelled like a bong.”
Still has me pissing myself laughing. I’ve been fired twice — one deserved, one lame. The second time must have been from the Oompa Loompa’s brother because your story sounds eerily familiar.
Word. I once had a short (and fucking crazy as the day is long) French boss, and her (even-fucking-crazier, also short) Welsh husband. Frenchie has provided some lasting go-to quotes — may I present: “It’s never too early to over-react.” Oh man, I love that one. I love not working for them even more.
HILARIOUS!
We could do a WHOLE POST on the gems that came from working there!
Actually I could probably write an entire book about working there. Here’s another (imagine *crazy* with French accent and inflection):
“Lipztick!! LIPZZZTICK!! Don’t tell me about lipztick!! I am FRENCH! I know thee differenze between Yves Saint Laurent and WET AND WILD!!! Silly girl!”
I have a completely unhealthy fear of very small people. I seem to attract them the way you attract the preggos. You know what else is funny? I live on a street called Elfin Forest Rd. Not even kidding.
Wow. I think that even beats my daydream of kicking Tom Cruise repeatedly in the face while eating grasshopper pie. Nice one.
I knew I wasn’t the only one who thought he WAS the cutest little Cuban boy evah! (I named my son Elian-true story)
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