So, I just looked at my cousin’s Homecoming pictures on Facebook.
The good news, she is adorable.
The bad news, I am pretty sure I’m now illegitimately pregnant with the child of a 16 year old boy who looks like he doesn’t shower any more and has a trucker hat on.
But, it’s cool, because 8 of my friends are also pregnant. We totally planned it that way.
Like a pact.
When did teenagers start going to dances looking like bad sex?
I mean, no one had a bra on, and the boys basically had their wieners out. I am surprised there wasn’t jizz all over the floor the way they were all touching each other.
OMG I am the minister from Footloose.
(sidenote: I hate typing the word jizz, and I always spell the word wieners wrong. Thanks spell check!)
Sigh.
In short: EVERYONE HAS GONORRHEA.
And, by gonorrhea, I mean Ed Hardy shirts and eye glitter.
I just don’t remember it being like that when I was a teenager.
We wore flannel, and listened to altrock, and only gave blow jobs to people we dated longer than a month.
I should totally become a Sex Ed teacher.
I would be like, listen, you can have sex if you want, but only do it if you want your clitoris to hang down to your ankles and your balls to itch. For the rest of your life.
And then, I would show them the video of when my perineum ripped during childbirth.
Nobody would have sex again.
See, Republicans? You are doing it wrong.
Less Jesus. More Taint.
Hopefully by the time my kids are teenagers, everyone will live in their own personal bubble, so their private parts can’t touch.
Clearly, I have time.
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Less Jesus, More Taint should be on a bumper sticker
AMEN!
That’s what it is today, Ed Hardy shirts, glitter and those tight jeans that the emo kids wear that nobody looks good in. Not even them.
Gross. I absolutely know what you mean. My niece is 17 with the maturity level of a 15 year old. I’m certain she’s having sex. Gross again. Here’s hoping by the time OUR kids are in high school baggy boy jeans will be back in style.
Put “Less Jesus. More Taint” on a t-shirt. You’ll be a millionaire. Who wouldn’t want that?!
OMG kids and sex….it kills me. I know what I was doing as a teen but the thought of my girls doing it freaks me out!
Sadie at heyMamas
I’m pretty sure “Less Jesus. More Taint.” should be o a t-shirt.
I believe the line “Less Jesus. More Taint” shall go down in infamy. You always come up with the good ones.
That baby girl is CUTE!!!
First, lets get over the hard bit and just pinch that little girls cheeks until she hates my guts and screams for you to save her from the big pregnant scary lady. She is freakin’ cute Brittany!
Second…. I dunno. Teens are just like, annoying as hell these days with no taste and sex just seems just as easy as stealing candy bars. (I do NOT steal candy bars anymore yo, I have a job. Wait, I never stole candy bars, ok maybe once when I was like 11 and had an older friend. Possibly. But I’m not fucking admiting to anything here, I’m just sayin’. It was supposed to be a metaphor or something! GAWD get over it!) Why can’t they just steal candy bars like normal kids and stop having sex!
Pfft…weiners.
And now….you can shop for Less Jesus. More Taint. lovely merchandise by Monday.
YAY!
The video of your perineum ripping during childbirth just might work. But once they see a picture of your cute little baby girl, they’ll see it’s totally worth it!
She has gotten so big since I saw her!!!
Does she still smell like cake?
ANNNNNNNNND this is the reason I’ll never have kids. Especially not girls. I’m going to have to talk to my doctor about that. Did you ever see that episode of “my so-called life” where angelina (was that her name?? it’s been a while) says (and I’m paraphrasing. again, it’s been a while) “In high school there are two different kinds of people. Those who have had sex, and those who haven’t.” Now I bet everyone falls into the “having sex” category. Man, I miss my flannel and teenage angst.
PS–adorable baby
I know it’s cliche, and I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world, but I have to say, she looks EXACTLY like you. And that’s a good thing!
I think you could shorten it to just “More Taint” and it would cover so many more situations. All of them, in fact.
I chaperoned a high school prom a few years ago. There was pole dancing. I swear to God. Bumping and grinding ain’t got nothing on pole dancing teenagers. (excuse me while I barf.)
I’m the book-burning Footloose conservative to your Footloose Reverend. Yeah, I don’t remember any mention of weiners in that “leaping and dancing before the Lord” speech. Kids today. Kevin Bacon is rolling over in his grave.
Or whatever the “alive” version of that expression is.
I like the new look.
Cracking up. Less Jesus, More Taint. You’ve got to design a t-shirt for cafepress . com
Done and done. Check the SHOP section of my site:)
Ha, I’m totally getting the bumper-sticker! People in Orange County are going to love that shit!
Can we make the saying “Less Jesus, More Taint,” the unofficial slogan of the Tea Party? Palin would love that. I know she would prefer the word taint to ‘retard.’ She’s made at Rush Limbaugh about that.
oh hun…. ROFLMAO!!!!! i went to catholic school and that was SO MUCH BETTER than the brown paper bag with a condom, tampon, maxi pad, and banana (for a snack, right?)
i love thee.
Just fabulous! So glad I found your blog!
Like the new look! And the schwag. Good for you!
OMG! That was HI-larious! Because it’s TRUE! My nephew walks around with his pants belted around his thighs. So, naturally, I take pictures of his ass hanging out for blackmail purposes. I can’t wait until he tries to get a job. And my nieces! Oy. I weep. When will they come out with the virtual sex, so teens can stay clothed? Is that worse? That’s probably worse. Nevermind.
Soooo very funny. I enjoy your humor and honesty. Keep it up!
definately more taint, that would do it. And then send them to my house with a two year old who refuses to nap and throws her mac and cheese on the wall. Then I will show them streach marks that will have them running and screaming from the house. that and have nuns follow them around everywhere.
I always thought the dancing / dry humping thing was something “kids these days do,” but it’s been going on for a while. I just never was the girl anyone wanted to dance with / dry hump. And I remember being advised about blow jobs in middle school… “you’ll never get a boyfriend if you don’t give him a BJ.”
My daughter has a very good chance of being home-schooled.
“Less Jesus – More Taint” is mos def the way to make ‘em stop already. Or slow down. Or something. Gawd.
I just sat my husband down at the computer and said, “Read this, man.”
He loved it.
I must be at least a decade older than you because I didn’t even know what a blow job was until I was… uhm… uhh… mmm…
My daughter went to her first high school dance in the fall, and she said everyone was “grinding” each other on the dance floor, and all sorts of nasties were going on, and I’m like, WHAT?!, and she’s like, It’s no big deal, and I’m all, YES IT IS!!!!, and she’s like giving me the “Whatever” sign with her eyes. I think things have WAY changed since I was in high school, and now I know for sure I’m old.
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