So, I just looked at my cousin’s Homecoming pictures on Facebook.
The good news, she is adorable.
The bad news, I am pretty sure I’m now illegitimately pregnant with the child of a 16 year old boy who looks like he doesn’t shower any more and has a trucker hat on.
But, it’s cool, because 8 of my friends are also pregnant. We totally planned it that way.
Like a pact.
When did teenagers start going to dances looking like bad sex?
I mean, no one had a bra on, and the boys basically had their wieners out. I am surprised there wasn’t jizz all over the floor the way they were all touching each other.
OMG I am the minister from Footloose.
(sidenote: I hate typing the word jizz, and I always spell the word wieners wrong. Thanks spell check!)
Sigh.
In short: EVERYONE HAS GONORRHEA.
And, by gonorrhea, I mean Ed Hardy shirts and eye glitter.
I just don’t remember it being like that when I was a teenager.
We wore flannel, and listened to altrock, and only gave blow jobs to people we dated longer than a month.
I should totally become a Sex Ed teacher.
I would be like, listen, you can have sex if you want, but only do it if you want your clitoris to hang down to your ankles and your balls to itch. For the rest of your life.
And then, I would show them the video of when my perineum ripped during childbirth.
Nobody would have sex again.
See, Republicans? You are doing it wrong.
Less Jesus. More Taint.
Hopefully by the time my kids are teenagers, everyone will live in their own personal bubble, so their private parts can’t touch.
Clearly, I have time.
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You waited a month?!?!?!
I’m all for scaring teenagers out of sex, but Sarah Palin? Still no way.
less jesus. more taint. i just spit out my coffee. damn you! i need it.
Yes, things did seem to be easier when I was a teenager. And I remember all the parents thought we were all doing it, and they were very concerned, and my friends and I were like…please just chill. Teens now seem to be pressured into growing up really quickly, and sex goes along with that I guess.
–>Maybe they need the fear of AIDS put in them…well not IN them, in them….
Damn kids…
Kids grow up way too fast! It’s scary..
My parents were very strict because of all the scary unknown stuff out there.. I’m going to be strict because I know what’s out there…
BTW, I always spell wiener wrong too…
I was recently in a bar having a conversation with another mom about all the gross, terrible stuff of pregnancy and birth (vagina aching for weeks, once perky tits now covered in stretch marks, pooping on the table, etc. etc.) and a dude near us leaned over and said that we should run sex ed classes. I swear, it is seriously the way to go.
If I had time-traveled back and shown my hot little teenage self a picture of what I looked like 3 weeks postpartum, I would have kept it in my pants FO SHO!
Scary, right?? I have a teenage son and I am totally FREAKED the fuck out about these dating years. It’s hard to find that happy place, ya know, the place between the mom from the movie Carrie and Evelyn Harper from Two and 1/2 men.
I recall the birth video we all watched as freshman…baby came out looking like an alien…yadda yadda. If they had shown the reconstructive surgery afterwards that I had to have (darn those baby shoulders), I would STILL be a virgin…
I’m getting ‘less Jesus, more taint’ tattooed on my ass.
Less Jesus. More Taint.
I’m going to do my best to work that into a conversation before I go to bed tonight.
I think I may need a “Less Jesus more taint” T- shirt.
Better yet, I will have it printed up on cheap g-strings and give them out in high school dances.
I thought weeners was spelled with two e’s unless you’re talking bout hot dogs, lol… I have a 15 year old son that is extremely awkward at the moment- he has one eyebrow, (well, there’s 2, but they touch. like my thighs), dirty fingernails, and a petrifying fear of girls, so… yay me. hope it lasts thru high school. we were pretty naughty too, but we at least had the decency to feel slutty – kids today have zero shame. blow jobs are like handshakes, like, “hey, Pete, what’s up?” zip, slurp, “so it was nice seeing you, tell your mom I said hi”.
“zip, slurp” I just about snorted my soup… funny shit.
its like cowbell. More taint!
They showed us THAT video in sex-ed at my CHRISTIAN highschool. It obviously did none of us any good.
So, I actually have taught sex ed to teenagers. But apparently I am not allowed to use words like ‘wiener’ or ‘jizz’… go figure. I could have however, really used that video of your tearing, stretching vah-jj… I think the parents would have really liked that.
I think for the students next project, I will get them to make posters and T -shirts with ‘Less Jesus. More Taint’ embossed on them.
Thanks for the lesson plan!
Tiffany cracked me up. “You waited that long?” Cuz, yeah. I didn’t. And Rach is right – at least I felt slutty and didn’t publicize it to everyone (except that one HORRIBLE night I keep trying to forget). I miss being a slut sometimes. But then I think, “Wow. I am SO lucky I’m not marked for life with some nasty-ass disease” and realize I should keep my cooch to myself.
You lost me somewhere….
A month?
You waited a month?
I feel like a tramp
“i” before “e”, except after “c”.
You are SO gonna have your work cut out for you. Not only did you say those words, you posted them where they will live forever. Heh.
Now, that adorable baby is going to grow at warp speed.
Heh. Oh, the 90s. How little we realized that you’d be looked back on as a less-slutty time! ;p
Cute photo.
Your post reminded me of this song. Enjoy.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BDCPK4MiolQ&feature=channel
who knew that Jesus and taint could be worked in together to prove a point! awesome…you are my hero!
fabulous picture, love the hat!
It’s just as bad at a prom; just cause they’re all dolled up in formals doesn’t mean they act any more appropriately. To think that we actually have to say that “dancing should not look like sex.” Good post.
Sounds like a winning campaign slogan to me. You have my vote!
I miss my flannel.
Children these days are entirely too touchy.
I know a couple of years ago the thing was for the girls to have ANAL sex b/c then they were still virgins b/c they hymen wasn’t broken – technical virgins – Oprah had a show.
I do agree, though, that mom’s like us should be teaching these classes.
Although, when my daughter was 3 or 4 we let her watch (with us) a discovery channel show where it followed three women during their pregnancies – might have all been multiples – anyway – there was one scene w/a mom in labor grunting and screaming before the baby came and it TOTALLY freaked her out. After that she said she was never getting married and never having kids (because you have to have kids if you get married). She’s just now considering that she *might* have kids – maybe.
I do like your approach though – post baby pictures would freak the boys out, too – do you really want your woman to look like this? It’s hot, huh?
Thanks. You totally just freaked me out. I have a beautiful daughter that is way to eager to please. I’ve got to find a way to break that in her within the next 10 years.
I am pretty sure my dog is eating the crackers off the floor that I just SPIT OUT laughing…. nice one! Oh and yea… the guys need to put alittle more into their appearances… I tell my teen all the time, the guys she “dates” look like they havent showered in a month!
i already told my husband that when the kids turn thirteen i will be wallpapering their bedrooms with pictures of herpes and genital warts.
A month is a long time.
And MommyNamedApril, where does one find Herpes and Genital Wart wallpaper? It’s not that I want to buy any, I’m just curious what the store would look like and how they’d display it. And would that be next to the Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan wallpaper?
I think about stuff like this.
And seriously, a month is a long time.
crap. my oldest is 11. i am scared.
Oy. We have proms at the hotel where I work – it’s FRIGHTENING. I feel like such an old lady, but damn, girls! Ever hear about leaving something to the imagination?!
Already helped in the Sex Ed department. 5th graders get “The Movie” at school, not so much about what to put where but how their’s is developing… you know, the smelly hairpits and the bloody gore and boobies. Then Hubby and I announce we’re having a baby. At the 6th grade Christmas concert, the following was heard from across the aisle:
“OMG, did you see that?!?” “What was it?!?” “OMG, I think it was the baby… in her stomach (it’s a uterus, you twit)… MOVING!!!!” “EEEEeeeeeewwww….. it’s like that movie my brother watches all the time…….. Alien!”
I told four fathers they could buy me a postpartum drink to thank me for making sure their daughters’ drawers stayed in place.
With 3 girls and one boy of my own, I am all for scare-tactics with sex…hopefully it will be a few more years…but I am TERRIFIED…good thing my husband is 6″6 and we can invest in a shot gun!!
I think I love you. OMG, I would have NEVER had sex had I known that I would look like THIS after childbirth, ugh.
BTW, “Less Jesus, More Taint” was the first thing I laughed at today. Thanks, it was much needed
OMG u are totally gonna come do my sex talks for me when the time comes.
less Jesus more taint that was the best!
Wait a minute. Ed Hardy hats and eye glitter? Is your cousin from Jersey? Is she orange? Because most people in these parts who wear Ed Hardy and glitter are also orange.
Just curious.
Loved it!
My five year old now knows where babies come from and has vowed to never get married/have babies. I definitly think the “less jesus more taint” approach would work.
and a month IS a long time? my, now hubby got a blow job on our second “date”.
No one could call you a slut for waiting a whole month for giving up the mouth favor.
Me? 2 hours, tops.
What a beautiful baby!!
I see my niece and her friends on facebook…going to their sweet 16 parties…all hanging out of their dresses and I just cringe. I’m locking my daughter (who is 6) up in her room for the rest of her life. I swear by the time she’s 16, they’ll be wearing nothing but pasties and thongs to parties. Gah!
This is awesome. That’s all I can really think of to say, because… more taint.
The ripped perineum should do it! …and if it doesn’t, just hand them a screaming child and leave them alone with said child all.night.long. Best birth control I’ve ever used.
Sarah Palin/Tonya Harding 2012!
If you put “Less Jesus. More taint.” on a tee shirt at Cafepress, I would buy one and I would wear it out, including to my mother in law’s house for Thanksgiving (and they are Salvation Army and Promise Keepers and do this crazy headship man in charge no kissing till the wedding thing), and hilarity would ensue.
And that tee shirt would probably sell like hotcakes, then you could totally invest that money in plastic bubble technology! Or, you know, burritos or snack cakes.
it’s an idea. I would pay cold hard cash for one.
LOL!!!! Ah the good old days of waiting a month. My husband only wishes those “only a month” days would come back (-:!
GUH! she is so cute.
also: “Less Jesus. More Taint.”
PURE YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love, “Less Jesus, more taint.” Although don’t tell the Republicans that, because they wouldn’t believe you. They always need more Jesus, like Will Ferrell needs more cowbell.
I feel really old reading these comments from people saying how little their kids are. My oldest will be 18 in April, and when it comes to sex, the more information, the better. Talk, talk, talk and then talk some more. Please don’t ever think that if you don’t tell them about birth control, they won’t have sex. That’s how they wind up pregnant. Think of yourself at 17-18. See?
My 15 year-old on the other hand…she scares me because she won’t talk to me. If I even mention the word “sex”, she’s like, “God, Mom!” Damn kids. They ought to come with instructions. In English and French, like DVD players.
Oh please do the sex talk with my son in a year or so! Please! you are so funny!
Less Jesus. More taint. Can’t wait to blab this one to my sons – lol!!
Google Images is your friend – pictures of infected wieners makes a big impact on teenage boys’ libidos – trust me on this!
Your little girl is a doll.
“Less Jesus. More Taint” indeed.
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