When I was 15, I decided I wanted to get a tattoo.
A butterfly. On my left hip.
No reputable tattoo parlor would tattoo a 15 year old girl without parental permission. Or pierce my private parts.
Thank God for ice cubes, apple slices, lighters and safety pins.
But I never let things go. Ever.
I was getting that damn tattoo, so I asked around until I found a really scary looking guy who agreed to do it for me at his house for $75.
Which seemed like a totally awesome idea.
I mean, what could go wrong?
A 50 year old man with gray hair down to his waist, a gigantic python tank in the kitchen, and a coffin shaped coffee table in his living room?
This guy is clearly not at all a serial killer.
My best friend Jordan held my hand as I laid on his dining room table.
It hurt so bad, and that fucking snake stared at me the whole time. Probably because it planned to eat my body after this guy raped and chopped me up.
I am such a good decision maker.
I hid that tattoo from my father for 2 years, until one day I was careless in a bikini.
I was taken to the plastic surgeon the next day to get it removed.
Back then, they didn’t laser them off, they just cut them out.
It was the worst surgery I ever had, next to getting my wisdom teeth out, and the only reason that trumps the tattoo removal is because the anesthesia made me vomit for 14 hours straight. And, you can’t vomit when your face is numb.
You re-eat, like, half of it.
The doctor who did my tattoo removal was a family friend. And, by family friend, I mean, he did three of the four of my Great Uncle Frank’s face lifts.
My Great Uncle Frank’s face looks like Heidi Montag, but behind his ears, where they keep hiding his oldness, looks like a retired porn star’s vagina.
My parents also appear to have questionable decision making skills.
It took 6 months for that hole in my hip to heal, and if you look at the scar hard enough, it still looks like a butterfly, if you like, put a crayon in Stephen Hawking’s mouth and asked him to draw one.
Even so, still totally a butterfly. I win.
Our second year of college, I got this really awesome idea about Andy and I getting matching tattoos.
Because, like my elementary school principal, Sister Mary Beth (aka Sister Mary Death) told my parents, I never learn.
Plus, Andy had never gotten a tattoo before, and there is nothing I love more than seeing people in pain because of my actions.
Sigh. Boys with ink are soooo sexy.
As long as it’s not a Looney Toons Character. Or lyrics from a Jesse McCarthy song. Or anything, that in any way, makes your belly button look like something’s butt hole.
I have now decided, because it’s almost Valentine’s Day, I am going to get something of relevance tattooed on my wedding ring finger to show Andy how awesome of a wife I am.
Marriage pissing match? Owned.
Pam and Tommy did it, and even though they are technically divorced, they still totally bone. They are in it for life, and while some say it’s because they both have Hepatitis C, I am sure it’s because of the tattooed wedding rings.
So, I am now debating what to get on my finger. I wanted to get Drew because it looks pretty in cursive and when Andy and I first started dating, I tried to get him to start using that half of his real name, but he wouldn’t have it.
How romantic does Brittany and Drew sound?!
He is obviously selfish and refuses to look at the bigger picture.
Whatever, Drew.
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I think you should get something like, Cullen… imagine how pretty that would look, all cursive and stuff?!
I got my tattoo when I was old… I think I was 17 or 18. First year of University. So probably 18. I called my mom right before, from the tattoo parlour:
ME: “Mom? My friends and I are getting tattoos! I’m getting a little cute heart!”
MY MOM: “Slut.”
And the phone line went dead…
I can’t remember when my dad discovered I had a tattoo, but when he saw my belly button ring for the first time, we were outside a restaurant in Washington, D.C. and he FLIPPED OUT. OMG, I was SO GLAD we were out in public!
I say, get an “A” for Andy, but when you see me, tell me it’s really for me.
Names can sometimes be a kiss of death. Most in the tattoo community suggest only tattooing blood-family names (like your kids or parents), or dead people’s names. What about getting some kind of an actual ring pattern?? Look some up online, I’m sure you’ll find something you like.
I can’t believe they made you get it removed.
I was totally going to do that a while ago, becuase I never where my wedding ring at work. I work with acids that dissolve iron, so me thinks it’s not a good idea to where gold (which is super soft). Plus it give me a rash. So I thought of the tattoo idea. And someone told me they thought it was white-trashy. And I was like “um, so. I kinda AM white trashy. AND I dig it.” But Hubs got me a smaller, slightly more comfy ring as a push (even though it was more of a ‘cut’ than ‘push’ this time around) present, so I haven’t gotten inked yet.
I vote for an A…or what about all of your initials A,B,J,W,G? Does that spell anything cool?
Ouch. I’m in pain just thinking about first having a tattoo and then having it cut out.
I was 18 and in college when I got my first tattoo. There should be some kind of rule that keeps 18 year old girls from being out of class with nothing to do on a Thursday b/c this is what happens. I was so excited, I drove home that night to show my boyfriend and my parents. My dad’s reply when I was all “I have something to show you guys!”
Dad: ” I knew it was going to be something stupid”
Ah well, I still love my tramp stamp!
Good luck deciding on what to get on your ring finger!!
–>I have never gotten a tattoo because I know I would be bored of it eventually. 11 years later I still have my belly button pierced with the same ring and that is even after being pregnant and having a baby. I never took it out. Oh well, at least it was cheaper and less painful than a tattoo.
“Thank God for ice cubes, apple slices, lighters and safety pins.”
The decisions we make as teenagers. I wanted to get my ear pierced when I was 11, my mother wasn’t for it. Her words: “No son of mine is ever getting his ear pierced.” So I took an ice cube and a sewing needle and pierced my ear. However, at 11 I didn’t realize I had pierced the ‘wrong’ one. I put in a cross earring a friend had given me. To add insult to injury.
Looking back I don’t know what I was thinking. I had a bowl cut, glasses, and the wrong damn ear pierced. I should have kicked my own ass! Luckily, I grew out of that. I ended up with contacts, a better haircut, and the hole in my ear finally closed up.
I have yet to get a tattoo. One day maybe. But learning from the earring debacle I don’t think it would be a good idea. I might end up like my coworker Todd, who has a turtle on his shoulder with the japanese character for Warrior (or so he thinks) on its shell. Everytime he shows someone I cringe a little inside.
I didn’t have a problem telling my parents. It was my grandma that I hid it from. For years. Mainly by wearing capris around her. Until she wanted to by me some clothes for a trip I was going on one summer. She wanted to buy me shorts which would have totally blown my cover. So I fessed up and told her she could back out if she wanted to.
She still bought me the clothes.
“Thank God for ice cubes, apple slices, lighters and safety pins.”
The decisions we make as teenagers. I wanted to get my ear pierced when I was 11, my mother wasn’t for it. Her words: “No son of mine is ever getting his ear pierced.” So I took an ice cube and a sewing needle and pierced my ear. However, at 11 I didn’t realize I had pierced the ‘wrong’ one. I put in a cross earring a friend had given me. To add insult to injury
Looking back I don’t know what I was thinking. I had a bowl cut, glasses, and the wrong damn ear pierced. I should have kicked my own ass! Luckily, I grew out of that. I ended up with contacts, a better haircut, and the hole in my ear finally closed up.
I’m not sure about getting a tattoo. Sometimes I learn from my mistakes and I don’t want to end up like my coworker Todd. He’s got a tattoo on his shoulder of a turtle with the japanese character for warrior (or so he thinks) on the turtles shell. I cringe everytime he shows it to someone.
Oh my gosh, have you been watching the Housewives of O.C.? Because Tamra totally got her husband Simon’s name tattood on her finger. I’m embarrassed to admit that I watch this show but whatever. In my opinion it was too long of a name to get on your ring finger, but Andy should work. Since he won’t accept Drew you could get the word “man-ho” or something like that, a term of endearment.
WHAAAAATTTTTT THE OMGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG.
The ring thing sounds cool though.
So… basically you’re saying Andy DOESN’T have a quarter-sized tat of Tweetie or Road Runner adjacent to his cock?
Because… one could totally read through the lines there… right?
I mean… not insane for me to assume he has the lyrics to “It’s Over” swirling around his belly button.
Oh wait… you said “matching.”
Fuck.
Well, that just means you have Road Runner zipping into your vag. At least, that’s how I like to picture you.
My Husband and I are getting Lightsaber tattoos on our ring fingers. Star Wars was our first date and for our wedding we walked in to the Imperial March. We rock like that. Do something that only you and him share, or a secret only you and him know about. It makes it special.
“Whatever, Drew.” (hahaha)
Tattoos sound too painful. I really don’t like needles.
Just to let you know, Tamra from RHOC got her husbands name tattooed on her finger, and they are now getting divorced. Go with a design or just initials. Good luck!
I bet your uncle looks better as Heidi Montag than Heidi Montag does!
Apparently I’m the minority here, my parents bought me my first tattoo for my 18th birthday present.
I’ve added 3 more since then and if I wasn’t freaking knocked up I’d have at least one more right this very second with my daughter in it. So once this kid comes out I’m going to go get one for each kid at the same time.
My husband got his wedding ring tattooed on his finger on my birthday last year. He claimed it was a surprise birthday present to me. It would’ve been much cooler if it said something, but instead, it’s just a tattoo of what his super expensive wedding ring (that he’ll now never wear again) looks like.
When my sister saw it she said, “I always wondered what type of people got a ring tattooed on their finger… and now I know.”
When I was 13 I gave my brother a tattoo with ink and a sewing needle. He still has it, 19 years later.
I have always wanted a tattoo – I got my first one the day I turned 18. I’m working on getting number 7 now.
It’s a dangerous idea to get names. Unless it’s Edward Cullen, of course…
You should TOTALLY get his name tattooed on your ring finger!!! Just like Tamra did!! Wait.
Now she’s getting a divorce and Simon accused her of verbal abuse and cheating on him.
Um. Do you think Andy would ever do something dumb like that?
I’m thinking Drew wouldn’t.
He’s dreammmmmmmy with all his ink. And totally NOT into accusations of verbal abuse and/or cheating.
OR ELSE.
Amen on the Looney Tunes character tattoos. I had a boyfriend in college that got the tasmanian devil on his shoulder. It was the warning sign I chose to ignore. *sigh*
I want to see pictures of the removed tattoo.
my dad laughs, shakes his head at me and now calls me his tattooed princess because i keep getting more and more.
meh…
the only names i have committed to are my maiden name “Self” on my left wrist and my son’s name and birthdate on my right wrist.
if we end up like the duggars with eleventy kids, i’m totally screwed.
I like the idea of the ring design. And the name Drew. Big fan. Drew. Say “hi” to Drew for me!
Shit, I love you. You make me laugh.
No tattoos here, but once my mom found out the sexual reason behind tongue rings, she thought all piercings were sexual. She was enraged that I had the cartlidge (sp?) at the top of my ear pierced. So you can image how thrilled she was when my now-husband took me to get my belly button ring. What a slut.
BUT- Prime example of why there’s a min age for tattoos= my husband’s flaming, winged guitar wrapped in a ribbon on which is his name. in script. It’s not nearly as cool as it sounds. And 20 years has done nothing good for it.
p.s. 20 years ago? Holy shit, my husband’s old.
p.p.s. CUT out?! I’m about to throw up.
You should know that Shaun and I just talked about doing this two weeks ago. So the next time you see me, and I have this, I want you to know that I did not copy you (seriously – you can ask Shaun for confirmation – I stole it from the Real Housewives – not you).
Or maybe I could just move mine next to my pussy since that is the next most sentimental place to get a tattoo of your lover’s name. But besides my boyfriend and my husband, who would ever see it? So I need to think about this some more.
And Drew is totally being selfish about wanting to be called Andy. Totally.
Holy mother of all that is good. Best line EVER?:
“My Great Uncle Fred’s face looks like Heidi Montag, but behind his ears, where they keep hiding his oldness, looks like a retired porn star’s vagina.”
I think I will be laughing at this until it looks like a retired porn star’s vag behind MY ears!
You should be glad they made you get the butterfly removed. I didn’t listen to my parents and got the left hip butterfly tattoo as well. Now I have a butterfly with one big ass wing and one tiny wing. Thanks pregnancy.
a) Our shop MINIMUM is $75, in a professional, licensed shop. You mean to tell me you paid that much to have a scratcher do it? For shame.
b) Names ARE the kiss of death. It’s like breaking a mirror. Most tattoo artists do names in a specific style just so that they can cover them up later if they have to (which they often do.) That would be impossible on a finger.
c) Don’t forget it will wear on your finger. For it to stay looking nice you’re gonna have to have it re-done at least once every couple of years if not more.
d) You could go really unique and hard core and get dermal implants for your ring.
I did the ring finger tattoo thing…I did an infinity symbol and my husband got one on his shoulder. The other tattoo I have is on my foot…6 hearts (one for each child we adopted). My dad saw it and called me white trash. Nice guy, huh? I think he’s over it now, considering I was 36 when I did it.
Tattoos on guys is totally hot. I swear my BF’s hotness status went up (and I think he is sexy as hell already) when he got inked. Sexy dangerous hot man… where was I?
Can’t wait to see what you end up getting!
Seriously, you are beyond hysterical and hands down one of my favs and I read ALOT of blogs. Yesterday was my 14 year dating anniversary (almost 11 years married, cheeseball I know but I can’t ignore the dating anniversary) with my husband Drew, and yes great name, agreed and I have always wanted to get some small tattoo of his initials or our wedding date or something but just haven’t yet. Even though I am in the middle of Nyc I just haven’t found the time or the nerve.
You should absolutely go for it. Love it!!
Sadie at heyMamas
Oh shit! Now I’m all in pain for you!
I gotta go take some ibuprofen.
I got my tattoo when I was 26, and I called my mom from the shop to a) just really make sure that it was ok and b) to confirm that the shop was sterile. She was extremely concerned about the hygeine. She’s the best.
She saw my belly ring for the first time when I was trying on wedding dresses at the age of 28. She nearly shit herself.
My Great Uncle Fred’s face looks like Heidi Montag…
bwhahahahahahha
I am about to get another one on my inner wrist….I’ll tell my husband right after I do it.
Get “Jake” as your tatt. The Bachelor is SUCH a hot topic right now.
In the fall you can change it to “Rake” and just go from there.
My husband and I have matching tattoos on our wrists. I have the Celtic knot that we sealed our wedding invites with and he has the negative of it. His is thicker and more masculine and mine is delicate, just like me. *snort* We have it on opposite wrists so when we hold hands, they fit into each other. Granted, it only makes a big black circle, but it’s our big black circle
I kind of want to get our wedding date or names on my finger but I’m a bit worried about how it will wear over time under my rings.
Here’s a picture of our wrists if you’re interested in seeing what the hell I’m talking about
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31046812&id=45301932
I’m neck deep in my NEVERENDINGBACKTATTOO
But I like it.
I recommend backs as good tattoo location b/c you can’t really get sick of it.
(That sounded bizarro – I meant just that I’m not done with it yet?)
holy hell batman!!! CUT OUT THE TATTOO?! seriously!!!!! WOW!!
I love the description of your uncles face lifts! I could never get a tattoo! Scared of needles. ewwww
Tattoos are awesome. I got my first in 1986… my most recent was in 2009. Next one will be March of 2010.
See now I totally agree with Loukia… totally MrsCullen in a nice script all around your finger… PERFECT!!
I’m over here freaking out that your Dad made you get that tattoo removed. Dude, it’s just some ink. I never got one just b/c I’m a complete baby when it comes to pain but I do think some are “purty.”
I believe it is some sort of right of passage to get a tatoo when you are in the military…when I was 19, I went with a group of friends and decided to get a tatoo on my ankle…I heard my mother’s voice in the back of my head saying, “Why the hell do you want to do something as stupid as that?”…but I was in my newly found rebellious stage, and didn’t really care what she had to say–and damnit- I was on my own!! I picked out a Greatful Dead sun, in part because I loved their music, and I thought the colors looked pretty…but when the guy started to “draw” or should I say burn my flesh with that needle–holy crap that hurt! I believe I lost count of how many times the work “Fuck” came out of my mouth…it affected the group I was with so bad they all wussed out and I ended up being the only one with a tatoo…now- 15 years later the only regret I have is its location…I wish I would have had it on my hip or somewhere else more discreet…and when I am 80–my “cankles” which are bound to happen will show a flattened sun…;)
This is comedy. True comedy. I can’t stop laughing.
my parents bought me my first tattoo for my 18th birthday.
mom and dad (who were divorced) my 7yr old cousin and my bff all went with me.
i got my tat at a booth at the flea market by a guy who tattooed that wwf wrestler chicks(luna, i think was her name) head. i felt so bad ass.
suck on that britney spears! i just out-white trashed you!
I say get his name but in Sanskrit or some other completely dead language, but actual have it say something else but tell him it is his name and he will never know. Also research that carefully because you do not want like a chinese character that really means moo shoo pork or I eat babies or something.
Know who else did that? Tamra from RHOC. And now? She’s boning her ex-hubby’s ex-best friend. Beware.
Oh I love that your scar is in the shape of a butterfly. That’s the best.
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