Dear Nature, you’re hurting people.

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I don’t want to alarm anyone, but…I think Earth is pissed.

I don’t know if it’s because the hills keeps getting renewed, or because Mike Tyson got that tattoo on his face and everybody is still acting like it’s normal, but…ZOMG AL GORE WAS RIGHT.

We are having earthquakes, and tsunamis, and I just watched a video on CNN where a wave crashed through a cruise ship.

THE OCEAN IS ATTACKING US, PEOPLE.

It’s not enough that there are sharks in there?

Now water is killing people just for enjoying all you can eat shrimp buffets on the lido deck?

Which is just great.  Because Monday I have to fly again.

And we allll remember how awesome I am at that.

Now, I don’t want to be a rumor monger.

But, there are rumors, folks.  RUMORS TO BE MONGERED.

Birds hate me.

Like, I am pretty sure they want me to die.

Which is insane because we have so much in common.

We both hate cats.

Our constant tweeting makes no sense at all.

We both poop everywhere if you squeeze us hard.

And, I always eat the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle.

I have no idea why birds think I am an asshole.

So, with that information, and the fact that the planet thinks people are douche bags, I am totally even more afraid to fly, because I am convinced that, due to the recent uproar of nature to take back what’s theirs, a bird will junk punch my plane and I will die.

But, it’s to see my Anissa, so I have to risk it.

Which is why I will be drunk on the plane.  And, I will probably climb over you ten times to pee, and I totally won’t re-zip my pants afterward.   And, I don’t wear underwear with jeans.  And, I will probably weep sporadically.   And tell you about this time when I was little and I was climbing a tree, and I fell, and a stick pierced my butt cheek, and my brother told every one I had two butt holes.

So if you are stuck sitting next to me…you’re welcome.

P.S. #7 y’all.