I don’t want to alarm anyone, but…I think Earth is pissed.
I don’t know if it’s because the hills keeps getting renewed, or because Mike Tyson got that tattoo on his face and everybody is still acting like it’s normal, but…ZOMG AL GORE WAS RIGHT.
We are having earthquakes, and tsunamis, and I just watched a video on CNN where a wave crashed through a cruise ship.
THE OCEAN IS ATTACKING US, PEOPLE.
It’s not enough that there are sharks in there?
Now water is killing people just for enjoying all you can eat shrimp buffets on the lido deck?
Which is just great. Because Monday I have to fly again.
And we allll remember how awesome I am at that.
Now, I don’t want to be a rumor monger.
But, there are rumors, folks. RUMORS TO BE MONGERED.
Birds hate me.
Like, I am pretty sure they want me to die.
Which is insane because we have so much in common.
We both hate cats.
Our constant tweeting makes no sense at all.
We both poop everywhere if you squeeze us hard.
And, I always eat the worm at the bottom of a tequila bottle.
I have no idea why birds think I am an asshole.
So, with that information, and the fact that the planet thinks people are douche bags, I am totally even more afraid to fly, because I am convinced that, due to the recent uproar of nature to take back what’s theirs, a bird will junk punch my plane and I will die.
But, it’s to see Anissa, so I have to risk it.
Which is why I will be drunk on the plane. And, I will probably climb over you ten times to pee, and I totally won’t re-zip my pants afterward. And, I don’t wear underwear with jeans. And, I will probably weep sporadically. And tell you about this time when I was little and I was climbing a tree, and I fell, and a stick pierced my butt cheek, and my brother told every one I had two butt holes.
So if you are stuck sitting next to me…you’re welcome.
P.S. #7 y’all.
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I am sure everything will be fine and the person sitting next to you totally wants to hear those stories and will possibly want to see the scar from your 2nd butt hole.
Sounds like a plan. And it’ll totally be worth it.
How cool that you are going to see Anissa!!! I don’t know her but have been keeping up with her progress!!! Hope you have a great trip—Make her laugh and enjoy yourself!!!
Update us when you can!
Sunnie
Well it’s one thing for birds to think you’re an asshole, but I am SURE they don’t hate you enough to kill themselves, right? I mean, you have so much in common.
Loved today’s post (as I’m looking out my window on the 34th floor, planning my escape if an earthquake strikes NYC…) It’s wonderful that you’re going to see Anissa, have a safe trip and keep an eye on those birds!
I’m sending very good healing thoughts… to whomever is sitting next to you on the plane.
Also, I wouldn’t worry about the birdies- it’s rare that they go all kamakaze into a plane.
They might poop on your shoulder, though, as you walk to your car.
You make my day. Seriously.
OMG I Love this post. Nature is crazy. It reminds me of that crazy Mark Wahlberg movie about the whispering trees…what was that called…oh let me IMDB it…THE HAPPENING. Where the trees are all pissed off at the anger and everything. I don’t like it one bit.
But…on that note…I will send you good ju-ju to make it here to Atlanta safe and sound so that I CAN {HOPEFULLY} hang with you.
DONT DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ITS HELL COMING TO GET US!!
trisha
momdot
OMG, I totally am convinced that the world is ending. Like BEFORE 2012. Two deadly earthquakes, tsunamis, cruise ships. WTF?
OMG you crack me up! I am so glad you are able to go and spend some time with Anissa! Tell her how much everyone misses her and just have fun
I am praying every day for her complete recovery! Have a safe trip! I’m sure the birds will leave your plane alone, I mean really? you’re going to see Anissa and she’s a force to be reckoned with!
Desera
Gosh, I love your blog! You are so creative and HILARIOUS! I know you hate flying but I’m sure Anissa will LOVE having you visit!
Ok, so now to the real reason I’m commenting…I fell on a stick when I was nine and it left a perfectly punctured hole in my right butt cheek. What an awesomely painful coincidence!
Hope your trip is safe and uneventful!
–>Your writing always makes me laugh. Squirrels HATE me. They literally hiss at me so I try to get my husband to shoot them with the bee bee gun that isn’t even strong enough to kill but just hurt a little. No wonder they hate me.
@debthaxton
Safe traveling!
Be safe! And I am glad I won’t be the one you are sitting next to. We’d totally have to change seats. Congrats on #7.
Wow. I had no clue that birds hated you so much. #7 is an awesome thing…kudos to you and your bung holes.
Brittany and the Two Butt Holes. That sounds oddly like the name of a movie I may or may not have watched once. Or twice.
i love that you don’t wear underwear with your jeans. i don’t wear any with my skinny jeans.
what’s #7? it seems congrats are in order but i don’t know for what.
Hopefully you won’t start your period and beed to death on the plane this time.
Have a safe trip!
Deep breath. Exhale. Drink. You will be fine. You are welcome.
“I just don’t think it’s natural for things to be floating in the air.
Back in the 80’s, when the news was all, we’re all gonna have flying cars by the year 2000, I was like, no thank you.”
YES! YES! YES! It is not fucking natural to be 35k feet in the air in a giant steel tube. I have been saying this for YEARS. I don’t give a shit about engineering and aerodynamics.
Also, who says that about flying cars? MEN! That’s who. It’s like a fantasy of theirs. And the fantasy is probably a flying Corvette. Because men want their penis cars in the air. Like flying cars are like car viagra.
Also, do you take valium or Ativan? I’m personally a fan of about 20mg of valium. You don’t give a shit about anything.
Oh and lovely, my first comment was eaten by the blog. So now I sound like a total asshole.
People always think I’m weird for saying that I will never ever in the history of ever step foot on a cruise ship. See? THIS IS WHY, PEOPLE. Like it’s not bad enough that I could possibly spend my whole cruise barfing my guts out, now I’d have to worry that the ocean might attack me for no reason at all except for maybe singing at karaoke night.
This brought a much needed smile and slight giggle today but I agree, between the earthquakes, possible tsunamis and waves crashing into boats I am beginning to wonder, too, if Mother Nature is a little pissed and now getting her revenge. :/
Hope you have a safe flight and a great trip. <3
You’ll be FINE. The ocean TOTALLY can’t reach the plane from way down there…unless you crash into it in which case you’re screwed.
trust me y’all, I have flown with this nut-ball, she isn’t kidding.
also, she totally DOES poop a lot if you squeeze her just right…wait…what…
My ex has this bird that totally hates me. She came over and landed on my shoulder and looked at me all cute and then TOTALLY RIPPED MY FREAKING FACE OFF.
So it’s not a case of birds just hating me but now, I’m pretty much anti-bird. Sorta. But not in a lets go feed them alka seltzer kinda way because I do still like most birds just not HIS bird. Who is a total bitch. Just be grateful that she is not free to fly near your plane but like caged up being a douchebag to other people. So in theory you should be safe. IN THEORY. I just want it noted in case you decide to sue me if a bird actually does screw up your plane.
Seriously, my sister just saw 2012 & she is convinced that WE ARE ALL GOING TO DIE!! To make matters worse, WE LIVE IN CALIFORNIA WITH EARTHQUAKES!!! Holy crap.
Congrats on being #7!! You beat Pioneer Woman & Dooce. I already knew you ROCKED, this just proves it.
Unlurking for a moment. I’ve never met Anissa – only read her blog and now keep up-to-date with her recovery. But dude…it’s Anissa….TOTALLY worth it!
Wait. How can you stand not to wear chonies with JEANS?
(Also squeeze Anissa for me, but not so hard she poos)
Grace pretty much just said everything I was gonna say.
May the Force be with you.
And I hope you aren’t going to California. Because the news tonight said they have a 94% chance of a big earthquake there within the next 30 years….
hmmm…wonder if they mean the beginning or the end of those 30 years??? Dang,I wanted to go there on a trip too.
I saw the same thing about the wave on CNN (so damn creepy) and in addition there was a passenger ferry that got stuck for a few hours in ice….STUCK IN ICE!!! The boat equivalent of drifting off the road and getting caught in a ditch during heavy snow then having to wait for another car to give you a ride and hopefully it’s not driven by an axe murderer. This is why I don’t take cruises.
Best of luck maintaining sanity on your flight. Travel safe.
Drink for Anissa!
Please give Anissa a big ol hug for me too, (only don’t poop when you do, cuz then she’d blame it on me, and that would suck).
And #7! Woot!
Good luck on your trip….you will be fine or at least I hope you will be fine as I really love your writing and would miss it terribly.
Sadie at heyMamas
De-lurking here, I recently moved away from all my friends/family, gave up my dream job, to be with my hubs… In a colder climate… I deserve a freaken prize! So life is less then interesting at the moment (no job, no peeps) Hubs is away for work – military – and I refuse to hit the bars by myself, so tonight I sat down with a glass (Ok a bottle… Or two) of red wine and read your blog! It made me laugh and was soooo what I needed. You are a wicked talented writer and thank you for sharing your stories! It was like having a girls night!
You are too funny! It IS really scary that Al Gore was right about anything, ever. Sorry about your 2nd bung hole. Hope you don’t get strip searched at the airport. They freak out over finding a fingernail file, couldn’t imagine what insanity would go down if they found an extra butt hole.
You are too funny! It IS really scary that Al Gore was right about anything, ever. Hope you don’t get strip searched at the airport. They freak out over finding something mundane, like a fingernail file, so I couldn’t imagine what insanity would go down if they found your extra butt hole.
I’d be *honored* to sit next to you on the plane. We’d have fun. Lol. And of course, *totally* honored to visit and meet Anissa.
I think the earthquakes and attacking oceans are the stuff that the Book of Revelation is made of. I have been in a serious panic that Jesus is coming back soon. I am trying to get my cussing in line.
I think I have about another 18 months to fully repent.
So if we’re going to be bad – we need to do that soon.
I am with you on th bird thing. I have been attacked by nesting crows not once but 4 times, always a crowd pleaser.
Flying tip – just replay your steamiest fantasy over and over again in your head, Im telling you it gives a place for all that panic induced adrenilane to go. I use it for elevators too, that’s why I am always smiling in them, even when crammed up against Mr.BO.
Girl, it seems the earth is acting all pissy here in Oz, so you should be safe.
What? There’s another way to fly? Sober? Who are you people kidding?!? Especially if you’ve stayed up the night before packing while everyone else slept – there IS a reason those airport bars are open so early!
I have to say there isn’t any other way to fly that being drunk, in my opinion.
As for the other issue. Plain and simple the world is coming to and end.
End of times ppl and it doesn’t look pretty.
I always want to sit next to someone who will chat with me on a plane. I have these wonderful plans to be seated next to a really hot guy or an older woman who reminds me of the mother I never had. But I always get stuck with the antisocial business man who puts in his earbuds and grumbles everytime I order another glass of milk with ice cubes.
My dad takes some fantastic drugs to help him cope with air travel. I should have his dealer…I mean his doctor contact you.
Every time I read your posts, I smile. You are the bomb, chiquita. xo
I can never stop laughing at your posts!
p.s. I’m giving you a blog award on my site because that’s what blog friends are for.
Ever since my plane travel included a very loud THUMP!! and the flight chick was all “it was nothing, we just got hit by lightning. Perfectly normal.” I firmly believe in being drunk on all flights. I think it’s safer for everyone involved.
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