Yes?
Ello gov’na
Um…
It’s bloody hot in this plane, no?
WTF
I don’t now, I was trying something out just there. I feel like my inner dialogue should have an accent. I was going for Bridget Jones.
Yeah, that definitely wasn’t Bridget Jones.
Really? What about the second movie, the one where she gives her bra to that girl in the Thai prison.
Um, that movie sucked balls, and…no.
The Beatles?
No. Not at all, maybe that crazy old guy who lived in a boat on the roof in Mary Poppins.
Oh! I bloody loved that guy!
Alright stop. Why am I here?
Oh, right, soooo…the old lady next to me? She is a crazy pants.
Come on. Gossip Girl is on tonight. I don’t have time for this shit.
Dude. She keeps feeding Gigi crackers from her purse, and complaining how the time change is making her exhausted.
This all sounds relatively harmless.
But, we’re flying from Michigan to Georgia, there isn’t even a time change! What if she’s high?
She’s not high.
Um, old people get high all the time. She probably gets her pot from her doctor. Lucky old people and their stupid glaucoma.
Listen, I think you’re gonna be fine here.
Really, Jesus? Really? She is reading the Bible, I think she has every intention on trying to bring this plane down.
She’s an old la-
OMG. She just spit her gum out into a maxi pad wrapper. HOW IS SHE EVEN STILL MENSTRUATING!? Great. Now I am picturing old lady vagina. This is the worst day ever.
Well, thanks for that, I think I’m gonna barf.
Don’t you dare, I’m a sympathy barfer, and I totally wet myself when I puke.
Ok I gotta go. Call me when you need me for something important.
Um, I think being on a doomed plane with an unwaxed old lady terrorist is pretty important.
I’m leaving now.
Bollocks.
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
You wet your pants when you barf, too?
We’re like peepee twins.
Thank god I’m not the only barfer/pee-er. I’d hate to think I was alone.
Gwen
PS — I totally LOVE this blog!
You make me laugh.
My airplane seatmates steal the armrest. There’s NOTHING funny about that.
allo luv, me thinks Bridgette Jones is a saucy cunt and I love the hell outta her accent.
…right….(sorry I was BJ’n…ooh wait…not blow jobin’ just Bridgette Jones’n.)
anyhow, old lady unwaxed vag is in my head now too and I can not thank you enough…I was totally going to have to really BJ it tonight and now I dont’ have to because I am sooooo not in the mood any longer…and all I have to say is unwaxed old lady vag to him too and I’ll be good for another night!
wow…you are really great to know, you know?
Cherio,
Danon
http://www.insatiablehost.blogspot.com (give-a-way TRUTH or DARE – come check out that post)
http://www.pantypyramid.blogspot.com
You are a total nutjob, but I love you(r posts) anyway… The last time I was on a plane I had the window seat in a three-seater with my son and husband (Husband does not like to fly). My son then proceeded to knock my drink over into my crotch so I LOOKED like I wet myself. Not cool. And that was at the beginning of the flight, so I had to sit in it for three hours. Grr!
The first time I took my daughter on a plane we flew from San Francisco to New York. It was packed with lesbians (no, I don’t hate lesbians I live in San Francisco dammit) My daughter dropped her favorite dog rattle which happened to land on the floor next to a barefooted lesbian. She offered to get it for us. “Fantastic!” I said.
Then she proceeded to pick up the doggie rattle with her hairy disfigured toes and hand it to my baby.
Fucking disgusting.
Ever since that horrible trip I now swathe my kids in bubble wrap when we step foot on a plane, bus, tractor or rocket ship.
Oh My God, there goes breakfast! EW! hahaha
I totally pee myself all the time especially when I throw up.
I haven’t flown in a few yrs and everytime I read your flying posts it makes me not want to get on a plane anytime soon
Oh my goodness, if I let people see my inner monologue, I’d totally have no friends. It’d be like this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCOqlla59Z4 You have to check it if you haven’t already seen it. You WILL pee your pants. *supposedley* some dude trippin’ on acid @ a party. Freaking Hilarious, even if that’s NOT the story.
Anyway, my monologue totally has a british accent. Sometimes at the mall I talk in a british accent just so I will think I’m cool. yeah, I need that.
You seriously make me laugh and laughing makes me pee (but so does coughing & sneezing). Thanks for that.
oh, i totally pee when i puke too. and not just a cute little squirt. it’s like, “Hey! You feel awful enough to puke! Here’s something extra (and warm!) to clean up!” *bonus*
Old ladies wear maxipads so they don’t piss in their panties. That’s the only reason. God only knows their cooch is as dry as the Sahara, so it’s not because of that.
Seriously, ask him.
You are the best. Seriously. The best.
I love your blog!
HAHAHAHA! Yes, you be the Brit in question, all right! And I am telling you I am MUCH too acquainted with old lady vagina to be comfortable. And no, it ain’t purdy.
Sometimes old ladies are on medicine that makes them skip menopause. My grandma was. She was still menstruating at 78.
And that’s the part of the post I decided to focus on. It’s early.
That’s horrifying. Menopause is the only thing I look forward to about getting old!
hahaha! It just kept getting better eh? I’m flying tomorrow and I’m a *little* dissapointed that I won’t be sitting next to anyone crazy. Except the crazy that I’m bringing with me. Then again my bff might just spit her gum into a maxi pad and feed me crackers from he rpurse if I ask nicely.
Also, I may or may not have totally spit my gum out into pads before. But never when anyone could see me.
Sigh. Now all I can think about is what crazy person I’m going to get stuck next to on my flight tomorrow, thankyouverymuch.
My inner monolouge sings. All the time. Like everything it tells me is to the rhythm of some song. Really weird. But right now it just keeps singing the lyrics to Lean On Me over and over. I’ve even tried singing it out loud to make it go away, but it won’t.
I promise I’m not a terrorist. Or an old lady.
When I was a kid I got shuffled around a lot because of my parents’ divorce so I spent a lot of time on planes as an “unaccompanied minor.” I entertained myself by adopting a truly HORRIBLE British accent (learned from watching Duran Duran interviews on MTV) and befriending the person next to me, then telling said person this elaborate story about my life in London with my parents (who were always aristocrats) and how hard it was to be away from our castle, which usually had a name like Simonson Manor or Rhodes Castle. About halfway through the story though, I’d usually get mixed up and forget the accent, so I’d just abruptly stop and pretend to be asleep for the rest of the flight. Those people must have been SO CONFUSED.
HAHAHA Once again…Laughing so hard its just ridiculous. At my desk. While listening to anatomy lectures for tonight’s exam. Poor Gigi. I feel for her. Old ladies are weird sometimes. I absolutely plan on being some weird old lady when I grow old. Not when I grow up. Just old. I don’t know so much about this growing UP part. It’s for the birds. (But not the ones that you think are going to attack you)
Ewww. Old maxi pad wrapper? Ugh she must not clean her purse out either.
Crazy old lady.
Oh man. Now I totally have “It’s a Jolly Holiday With You Bert,” stuck in my head. Damn Mary Poppins.
Thanks for visions of Old Lady Vag…now I have to junk punch myself to tak emy mind off of it!
The whole thing, post and comments have me laughing so hard tears are rolling down my cheeks and I think I may have peed myself a lil from laughing so hard. I love reading your stuff.
Yep. This is the only blog where I regularly read the comments, because they are always so funny!
Thats is just wrong. It’s too bad you can’t choose your seat mates when you fly. Cause I would totally choose the good smelling hot guy.
I would never put my chewed gum on a Maxi Pad wrapper. Depends papers hold WAY more gum and are therefore far better for the environment.
I totally cannot stand to see somone barf alone! its totally gross! I hope the rest of the flight went smoothly.
I’d have picked the old lady out for a terrorist immediately! I mean seriously. First of all, there’s NO way that woman is still menstruating. The pads were concealing explosive material. The dude at the security gate was all “that’s ok, ma’am, I think we’ll just let you put your..um..feminine products…back in your purse. No, really, it’s ok. I don’t want to frisk you. MA’AM! Please remove your hands from my testicles! Yes, I know what they’re for. Jim, help me get this lady on the plan, will ya?”
See? Totally a terrorist.
Ok. Even if you DO menstruate, who keeps their pad wrappers hanging around to be used as a gum receptacle? That makes me barf (and pee) a little.
omg. Old ladies use weird things in case of gum emergency. I mean what the fuck is in her purse anyway?! Crackers…pad wrappers….DYNAMITE?! omg. I bet she keeps ninja knitting needles in there too.
I’m pretty freaked out now.
Hello, Governor…Hello, Governor… I had to read that like 20 times and I was still so confused. Then I read on and thought, shit, I get it now. You are way smarter than me, so I was afraid that I was really having a problem keeping up today. Great post!
My plane rides include booze, more booze and Summer Heights High on my Ipod. I’m young though, so I’m sure pills will become a feature some day.
You never fail to crack my shit up! Keep up the great work!
I SWEAR I wasn’t the one sitting next to you on the plane.
I know I am from Michigan and I love the south but I swear it wasn’t me.
I haven’t yet pee’d while hurling, except that once when I had explosive diarrhea with that stomach thing which now I realize must have been E-coli….but never mind.
So, next time….I will try harder to pee when I am vomiting…I feel like I’m missing out….
Your blog is the funniest thing ever! Spreading you some sunshine this afternoon, since i read your blog so often! http://holdenslanding.blogspot.com/2010/03/spreading-some-sunshine.html
I think that you are right and is totally working for terrorists- and now I’m thinking about old lady vagina, thanks.
you’re inner voice just blew you off? That asshole!
My inner dialogue voice has cartoon-like sound effects….I tried explaining this to my husband early on in our relationship and he started backing away and googling things like “breaking up with a crazy person without inciting violence.” Luckily he figured out that I’m the *good* crazy and stuck around…..or maybe it was because I confessed that there are even internal sound effects going on when I’m performing a BJ (and no, I don’t mean Bridget Jones). He was so intrigued that he just couldn’t leave me. Either that or he saw in the computer’s history that I googled “how to bury the body without leaving evidence.” Maybe it was that. Booooooooing….POP.
I think it’s obvious she took the maxi pad wrapper from the 12 year girl she’s got chained up in her kitchen doing Gods work.
Since you haven’t posted since this, I hope the birds didn’t bring your plane down. It sounds like she was one of their plants.
LMFAO now THAT is an awesome post. And you’re right…stupid old ppl and their gawddamn glaucoma. Bastards.
I love your internal dialogue! Awesome post!
Where do you come up with this stuff??? I totally wet myself when I read your blog. I would love to spend one day in your brain.
You’re nuts! Thanks for a great read.
ok wait so whats worse than peeing when you barf?? well how about the first time you ever drink around this really cute boy (which happens to be my husband now) and i was trying to keep up with the guys (always gets me……everytime) and your feeling kinda gross and bloated and you realize that its not just the alcohol its also mother nature approaching fast and your start to barf and then you start your period at the same time and of course your wearing a white thong with white linen summery pants and its blatantly obvious that your bleeding like a wounded animal but you cant even apologize for having a bloody vagina because your dry heaving your brains out….then what does he do?? he takes off his sweatshirt and covers your butt with it to save the little dignity that hasnt been expelled from your body by barfing or bleeding…..god i love this man….
Until you get pregnant things change, but this was an entertaining read!