Ya know when you get home from an amazing trip visiting your friends, and your husband is all, OMG NOW.
And, you are like, but dude, I have travel vagina.
Which is when you have been sitting in hot airplane between two fat dudes, with your legs together too long. Plus, you didn’t wipe super well in the airplane bathroom, because if it suddenly went down, you didn’t want to die sitting on a toilet covered with other people’s pee.
But, then he does the pouty face, and you see in his eyes, after a week of running after toddlers high on Kool Aid and Nutella, he has to stick it into something, OMG NOTHING IS SAFE.
So, you get in the shower to clean up, and you realize you haven’t waxed or shaved…in a really, really long time.
And, you could ignore it, because you are exhausted, and you are looking at a good, I don’t know, 25 minutes of work? But, you already plan on only shaving below your kneecaps, so you figure, might as well tackle it now to keep you hairiness ratio in balance, and then you won’t have to pluck your eyebrows.
After a groan and a good stretch, you go at it.
In no time, the bar of soap is covered in hair.
You go through 2 razors.
Clumps of hair are stuck to your legs like fucking Big Foot.
And, you think, you gotta get through this, there is no stopping half way, and you are totally having sex today. At some point. Probably.
I mean, as long as you don’t cut anything, because band aids don’t come in that shape.
Or get razor burn.
Because then the whole thing if off limits until you get a five o’clock shadow.
Did you know it was possible to sweat in the shower?
Because you totally can.
You can also get runner’s cramps.
Clearly, I need to exercise more.
Or I could find a midget over the age of 18, with a steady hand.
God, I love tiny things.
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OMG I had much the same thought two days ago while shaving. I had not shaved in QUITE. SOME. TIME. Like…since I got home from New York. Which was Feb 22. Not that I would openly admit that I had not shaved in 2.5 weeks, ever…..
I digress….I totally got a cramp in my leg. It was horrendous!!!! And I am sooo not even having sex for another 6 days till she gets here on the 20th. But I needed to preemptively shave in case any of those horrendous things you just mentioned happen to me.
I am just saying…..
That’ll be me tonight when my flight gets into Boston
Travel vagina is zero fun.
Just wow. Glad JQ looks past the Sasquatch look below the waist and tends to focus on my boobs.
Offhand, Holly, I’d say that’s a tribute to your boobs….
I haven’t shaved above the knee since 2004.
Travel Vag is a bitch…so is a rushed woman-scaping session…I make my man tell me he loves the hair or I go on pussy hiatus; it works every time!
I have travel vagina right now as I ride in a car currently crossing Ohio to get back to Virginia- a state with a name that can be totally confused with vagina.
band-aids so need to come in that shape, but then we’d need an esthetician to tear them off.
“travel vagina” hah. love it. i can’t even remember the last time we had sex. it’s been so long i’m beginning not to care.
I flew home from Vegas on Friday and had a similar experience…although he didn’t even give me a chance to shower. Hairy or not, he wasn’t waiting past 45 seconds after the kids were in bed:)
Lmao! You just made my day
thanks!
Holy hell, another use for midgets! FAVORITE.BLOGGER.EVER
this is really making me NOT look forward to bathing suit weather.
OMG! I think I peed my panties after reading this! I’m not married anymore but holy hell I remember those days!
Thank you for making my day, I will have to follow your blog on a regular basis now…
I really need to travel more. That would be a good excuse for my nasty.
You’re a trooper:)
I try to not even look down…
I have a 2 month old and an 18 month old. I am lucky if I can remember to shave both armpits when I am lucky enough to get a shower.
Thank goodness I am a blond!
You SLAY me!
Also, my husband may have met me at the door with a towel and a fresh razor once.
I love how he’s a planner like that, but if I just spent seven hours driving? Dude, let me grab a sammich first at least.
Men.
Ok if my nose wasn’t broken right now I’d be laughing hysterically. I want to, but it hurts. This is just too damn funny!!
I have 3 words for you – Electric Beard Trimmer
Hahaha! I couldn’t stop laughing at this… This is just to funny!
As Amber said, beard shaver!
When my hair gets a little too long (or a lot too long) for my razor to handle (or my patience to handle), I grab my man’s beard trimmer and trim my hair down really short. Then, the next day or so I’ll get around to actually shaving… but the trimmer takes care of that awkward “my leg hair is too long and my pants are too tight and rubbing on them” feeling.
dy-ing.
This was freaking hilarious! Did he get some, sasquach?
I really, really needed this today. Thank you.
two words:
Brazilian. Wax.
That’s really all I’m going to say about that…
Amen. For $40, I prefer to let it be someone else’s problem.
Unless you’re 8.5 months pregnant and only doing it because you’re ridiculously behind-the-times friend tells you that the OB plans to shave your hoo-haw on the delivery table and it grows back all itchy while you are still sore. Have you ever seen a 22 year old cute skinny perky little aestetician chick vomit? I have. I’m pretty sure that was effective birth control for her for…oh….a good 10 years. She may still be scarred.
Oh and by the way, my husband wouldn’t go near the clean shaven preggo hoo-haw. He said I looked like an obese 10 year old because my parts were all swollen and poochie and bald…It was too disturbing for him. So there I was clean shaven, huge and horny and unable to reach around my gianormous belly to do the deed myself. Stupid short arms.
Pulled on my underwear today and realized it was sporting a handlebar mustache out either side. I feel gross but its been winter in mn, when do you not do it under the covers and out of sight…
Ps my husband looks like squirrel died wrapped around his nuts…LOL
I wish i could breathe enough to convey how HARD I am laughing at this!
OH.DEAR.LORD. I’m trying so hard not to guffaw out loud as it’s 3 o’clock in the morning and all 5 of my kids are asleep…NEED OXYGEN.
Totally laughed and snorted out loud and woke up the kids. Damn it man! That was a great visual.
Can I just say that “Pulled on my underwear today and realized it was sporting a handlebar mustache out either side” is the funniest thing I have read in my entire life. Seriously.
Right now, I’m 35 weeks pregnant and shaving anything other than my armpits is pretty much not happening. Then again, I get so freaked out that I might possibly go into labour early and GOD FORBID THE NURSES SEE MY UNSHAVEN LEGS FFS that I attempt shaving and pretty much end up with stripes. You know like, I totally miss huge chunks of hair since, I CANT BEND OVER AT ALL. It’s a whole combination of holding my breath while lifting my legs up for 3 seconds at a time and shaving whatever is possible during that moment.
I’m so fucking sexy it hurts.
This post was the highlight of my day, thanks for making me laugh out loud!
Okay I have been reading your blog for a while now, and I think you are HYSTERICAL! However, this entry literally had me laughing out loud, for real! This is all so true! You crack me up. Thanks for lightening up the day a little
I’m such a fan! Love that you have such a fun way of explaining life! I love to read your work and prepare for the laugh! Thank you for sharing your work
I say toss the razors! If you’re not willing to seek the treasure, you’re not worthy of the prize. The end.
You make me want to be a better woman.
Well, until you talk about bandaids in places that don’t take bandaids, and then I want to go back to the 70s bush era.
I am not sure if this is possible…
Or I could find a midget over the age of 18, with a steady hand.
but holy shit is it funny!!
Sadie at heyMamas
So so funny! I love your blog!
The most mortifying experience of my life was when i was being preped for an emergency C-section at 29 weeks, and the midwife went to shave me, and the razor GOT TANGLED and she had to CUT IT FREE. Hello, i can’t see down there, can’t you just like, work around it!
Oh God at 8 weeks post baby I am going to have to deal with the mess down there at some point and hell yes it will be sweaty work. Work I am not prepared for. I exercised for the first time yesterday and I can barely pick up the baby today. Shaving is just NOT on my to-do list.
Oh – what was that – yep another reason to wait to have sex a little bot longer! Poor hubby. I did give him a baby though – and a little extra NON SEX lovin on his bday. I am feeling like a pretty fing good wife, acually.
Thanks for a huge laugh. I really do heart you.
That selfish vag always needs more maintenance! Luckily, my shower-yoga-for-shaving has gotten much better…
That is so freakin funny. I personally don’t travel on planes much, so “Travel Vagina” is a new one to me. I guess I am just one of “those” ppl who really can’t stand h a i r down there or on my legs. I shave year around. Even when I’m sleeping by myself.
it could be worse!
FHP: Driver lacked razor-sharp focus
BY ADAM LINHARDT Citizen Staff
As authorities nationwide warn motorists of the dangers of driving while texting, Florida Keys law enforcement officers add a new caution: Don’t try to shave your privates, either.
Florida Highway Patrol troopers say a two-vehicle crash Tuesday at Mile Marker 21 on Cudjoe Key was caused by a 37-year-old woman driver who was shaving her bikini area while her ex-husband took the wheel from the passenger seat.
“She said she was meeting her boyfriend in Key West and wanted to be ready for the visit,” Trooper Gary Dunick said. “If I wasn’t there, I wouldn’t have believed it. About 10 years ago I stopped a guy in the exact same spot … who had three or four syringes sticking out of his arm. It was just surreal and I thought, ‘Nothing will ever beat this.’ Well, this takes it.”
If that weren’t enough, Megan Mariah Barnes was not supposed to be driving and her 1995 Ford Thunderbird was not supposed to be on the road.
The day before the wreck, Barnes was convicted in an Upper Keys court of DUI with a prior and driving with a suspended license, said Monroe County Assistant State Attorney Colleen Dunne. Barnes was ordered to impound her car, and her driver’s license was revoked for five years, after which time she must have a Breathalyzer ignition interlock device on any vehicle she drives, Dunne said. Barnes also was sentenced to nine months’ probation.
Barnes and Charles Judy were southbound in her Thunderbird at 11 a.m. when they slammed into the back of a 2006 Chevrolet pickup driven by David Schoff of Palm Bay. His passengers were a man and two women; the latter were treated for minor injuries at Lower Keys Medical Center, FHP spokesman Alex Annunziato said.
Schoff had slowed to about 5 mph to make a turn when the Thunderbird hit him, traveling about 45 mph, which was within the speed limit, Dunick said.
Barnes allegedly drove another half-mile, then switched seats with Judy, who allegedly claimed to be driving, Annunziato said.
“She jumps in the back seat and he moves over,” Dunick said. “It was like the old comedy bit, ‘Who’s on first?’ ”
Burns on Judy’s chest from the passenger-side airbag deploying belied their story, Dunick said. The airbag in the steering wheel did not deploy, he said.
Troopers charged Barnes with driving with a revoked license, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a wreck with injuries and driving with no insurance. Judy was not charged.
Barnes faces a maximum of a year in jail if found guilty of violating her probation due to the wreck, Dunne said.
“My phone has been ringing off the hook all day, and I know there’s a funny side to this, but it’s also deadly serious. This is a scary road and a lot of bad wrecks are caused by dumb stuff like this,” Dunick said. “It is unbelievable. I’m really starting to believe this stuff only happens in the Keys.”
If you find a midget that’s willing lemme know where to get one. I’m so sick of spending hours taking care of the undercarriage … but every time I’m at the waxing bar getting my eyebrows done … I break out into a cold sweat thinking about someone waxing the vag. I need to get over this fear.
Travel Vagina should most definitely be added to a dictionary somewhere as term of the year. I’m trying to think of how to work this into casual conversation as we speak.
This is why I carry baby wipes.
This is why I have a big rack, it distracts from the hair- cause momma is not going near that place with a razor.
This post is so timely. I just cleaned up shop the other day, inspired by spring weather…but then my toddlers came barreling through the bathroom door just as I finished up and I forgot to clean the shower. So I get this text from my husband later in the day that said: “Your pussy just coughed up a hairball in the tub.” Gotta love marriage.
ohmigod. Again. I’m dying. …can’t breathe!
That was hilarious! I love the barefotfoodie…..and I love her freakin’ commentors too!
Yeah, why don’t bandaids come in that shape??
Thanks again for the funny!
One of my most hated things. The awkward positions, the hairs stuck in the razor, the razor burn that itches like a mofo for the next three days. GAH!
hilarious.
I gave my husband what has become the post-kiddos mating call tonight: “Hey. I shaved my legs.” He yelled woo-hoo and whipped off his pants on the way to the bedroom. It doesn’t take much these days.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the post or the comments!! Thanks for the laugh!
Am dying. You had me at “travel vagina”.
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