The water is piping hot, but I don’t even care.
Whoever thought of putting a seat in the shower is a genius.
I don’t have my contacts in, so I am not going to shave. Just sit. Last time I tried to shave without my contacts, I walked around for a day with a strip of unshaven fur up the back of my calf. Like when you mow your lawn drunk.
God, that was such a bad idea.
Ok actually, the drunk part wasn’t the problem, it was trying to carve the word meow in the grass, that threw me off.
Andy was so pissed.
But, he had never seen Super Troopers, so he didn’t even get how brilliant it was.
Seriously, it’s so quiet and relaxing, I might start showering every day.
I’m actually afraid I am going to fall asleep in here. You can sleep in the rain, right? Like, without drowning?
I remember reading once that you can technically drown in, like, an inch of water.
Maybe that was just babies?
Hmmm, I can’t remember, but I totally feel like I have the lung capacity of a baby.
I tell Andy that when I don’t feel like blow jobs. And it totally works because he either completely believes me, or gets too freaked out about the image of babies around his penis.
I don’t know, but to be safe, I better stay awake in here.
I wish my boobs sat up higher.
They look so much cuter when I hold them up like this.
Did I already put conditioner in my hair, I can’t rememb-
Mom?
…
Mama, are you in dere?
Wyatt? How did you get in here, I locked the door.
With the hang-her. In the knob.
What, you can’t button your pants but your picking locks now? Go get your dad for me.
Why is you laying down in the showah, are you sleeping in dere?
PLEASE JUST GET YOUR DAD.
…
What’s up?
Can you please keep the kids out of here, I just want some privacy.
Sorry, he got away from me, but they all are watching Dora now.
Ok thanks.
…
Um, are you still in here?
Yeah, I was gonna hop in and join you.
UGHHHHHHH.
___
And that, folks, is how showers get ruined.
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
I wish my shower had a seat. That would make shaving so much easier.
hahahahahahahhaha the images of babies around his penis. hahahahahahhahaha
Totally relate.
Men.
They get all these nice hot showers everyday.
And we? Who keep the kids all day.
Get 2 minutes of screaming terror when we try to take one.
On a good day.
How would they last without us?
what a buzzkill!
I wish my shower had a seat too. I’d never leave.
Lately every time I tell hubs I’m hoping in the shower he’s all like “Wait for meeeee” Then I have to remind him that I’m 8 months pregnant and barely fit in the damn shower by myself let alone with another person. Still he decides to hop in anyway then it’s a lot of grumbling and me being like “Move, I can’t f’n turn around!” Which of course leads to “So you wanna do it in the shower?” …*evil glare*
Your little one is picking locks already?!?! Oh boy! and I wish my shower had a seat too. That would be heaven!
Noooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That was my immediate thought at the end of your entry anyway.
Once I was trying to take a bath and had the door closed, sat in a hot bath with the door locked and it almost worked too except my husband things my son needs to listen to the tv at like, 100 decimals so all I could hear was the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and a bunch of toys banging on furniture. Not relaxing at all.
Hahaha! So true!
Sometimes when I don’t feel like it’s a blowjob night I totally pretend my sinuses are messed up cause I had a sinus infection one time. Danny totally falls for that shit. LOL
I take baths for the sole reason that my family is terrified of seeing my gigantic white body submerged in the water. Plus, the dogs guard the door for me. Actually the cats guard the door THEN the dogs guard the cats guarding the door so I’m pretty much completely blocked in. Plus, the whole Fear Factor of seeing my doughy, naked body.
Heh. WANNA MAKE OUT?
My bathroom door doesn’t lock. It doesn’t even latch, which pretty much guarantees at least one, usually two, screaming visits by my two-year-old, who has to be rescued by his 12-year-old brother, while said brother stumbles around with his eyes closed. Yeah, relaxing it’s not. And my husband wonders why I don’t always shower every day.
Do you think this stuff would happen with only ONE kid? Because that’s TOTALLY my plan. Just one kid. I can experience the joys of motherhood without having to give up all my privacy or my nightly baths.
Please tell me it will work. I beg of you. Just lie to me if you have to.
(It might be helpful if I left the correct blog address.)
DUUUDE.
I had to have the shower conversation with my kid’s father while I was pregnant, and we weren’t even a couple anymore!!!
Not only would he come in the bathroom while I was in the shower, he would poke his head around the curtain to talk to me. Then he was all like “What? It’s nothing I haven’t seen before” when I would try to cover myself.
Finally I got out of the shower one day and the following monologue was delivered;
“We. Are. Not. A. Couple. Anymore. Besides which, I weigh approximately 8,000 pounds and I don’t want you to look at me. Very soon I will have a baby and I will never ever have privacy ever again. Also, random strangers will be looking at my naked disgusting body whether I like it or not. I do not bother you while you shower. You can shave, brush your teeth, pee, squeeze your pimples, etc. ANY OTHER TIME. Please stop bugging me while I am in the shower. Or I will have to kill you.”
This is why before each shower I go for, I make sure to lovingly smother my family with pillows until they stop kicking. Not enough to kill them, mind you! I’m not a savage. Just enough to put ‘em out for a while. Their complaints about headaches and brain damage after they wake up are worth it for the “me” time.
Desperate times call for desperate measures.
LOL< I nearly peed my pants, a fucken men woman, exactly!
Hahahahahahahahaha!!!
I hate shaving my legs. I don’t wear contacts anymore; just my glasses, which I can’t wear in the shower because, duh, they’ll steam up. So I do the best that I can in the shaving department being as blind as a bat. So I might have a strip of fur up my legs, too. But who cares? ‘Cause I certainly can’t see it!
I think they do it on purpose – men letting kids interrupt the Mom’s shower. It’s not so hard to keep them occupied but it NEVER happens. I’d like to have 1 shower without a child peeking in to say hello or whatever.
Peace and quiet in the shower would be soooooooo nice… Mmmmm
Hope it happens for you soon!
M
Now if only your shower was annoyingfamily-proof.
Too funny! I actually snorted.What I don’t understand is why men seem to always assume that shower=sexy time. If I see me naked, it totally ruins the mood. I guess I should just be grateful he hasn’t asked me to trim my pubes into a heart or a lightening bolt lately. That resulted in me telling him “It’s my pootie, not a topiary!” Then I had to explain what a topiary is. Aaargh!
Did he at least wash your back?
Bathroom time is me time. Especially in the shower. Sometimes the wife will come in and use the toilet and I get stuck with the damn arctic blast of draft air that ruins my perfect warm shower steamed temperature. Also, never walk into a shower when the man has been in there first, you never know what you might step in. LOL!
ok, you’re disgusting.
What? I meant the glob of hair you leave in the drain!
The way this started, I totally thought you were gonna say at some point you were pissing on yourself.
It’s a Jane’s Addiction song lyric.
Nevermind.
Whoever says they don’t pee in the shower is a liar. A LIAR.
Your kid is either going to be a locksmith or a criminal.
I think that’s pretty awesome.
P.S- My tits look awesome when I hold them up too.
My husband works out of town during the week so I am by myself for 4 nights. When I try to go somewhere in the morning before he has showered he is all ” I haven’t showered. Who’s going to watch the baby while I shower” ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I shower everyday in three minutes just to make sure my two year old doesn’t destroy the entire house and I still have had one LCD scratched to bits by a Wonderpet figure and my NEW laptop’s keyboard pried off with scissors!
You are the David Blaine of showering!
yea wtf is up with that they can’t wipe their own butts but they can jimmy every “childproof” cabinet and door open? mine is the same way she has learned to pick the lock and it sucks! even my son knows to open the drawer by the door to keep her out!
Oh and men always know how to ruin a good thing
my husband always comes in and opens the door to the shower stall to talk to me and give me a kiss… and i just want to scream “go away, you are letting out my warm air!!!”
and my oldest is not even 2 yet, but she just tries to high five me through the glass. so it is pretty cute, but i dont want to “fiyee” someone 50 times while i am trying to shave off two weeks worth of fuzz….
at least it’s your husband joining you. i have my two boys who open the shower door and scream “mommy we’re SO naked. can we come in???” UHG. it’s funny how hubs always magically has to take a work call when my shower hits the 5 minute mark.
HAHAHAHAHA! We’re SO naked!? That is my new line for when I wanna do it!
omg that was hilarious! thanks for the giggle.
and for the record, I miss a strip somewhere almost every time I shave. When I go out the big question in my head is not if I missed a spot, but where the spot is I missed and is it visible.
I have to go take a shower right now because I have somewhere to go this morning and of course I’m home alone with the two year old. It will not be pleasant I’m sure.
Loved.
I live in a trailer with a curtain for the door… I would pay ANYTHING to be able to lock the bathroom door. My son is three and very into flushing the toilet (read: he comes completely meltdown unstuck when someone else flushes the toilet), so during that time of the month, I constantly asks me if I need to go to the doctor for my owies. I need to move somewhere with bathroom doors so my son can develop Wyatt’s skill-set! The education I’m denying my child! Oh, and my boobs totally look better when I hold them up too.
Blowjobs?
What’s THAT??
Geez, Andy is lucky. At least he gets excuses.
Ack! My home runs much the same way. Fortunately, the hubby does not know how to pick locks. Hell, he can’t even operate a door with a knob cover. If I wait until the boys are sleeping it’s safe to shower.
On a side note, you’re such a good wife for still shaving your legs. I gave up on that long ago.
I, like, daydream about making a video of the collective hours Andy spends trying to work the knob cover on the front door, and then upload it to youtube. Ugh. This whole scheme is way funnier in my mind.
Ugh. Why can’t husbands really watch the kids? Huh?
I always lift up my boobs in the shower too, to remember where they used to live…on my chest, instead of resting quietly against my belly like a couple of tired old old ladies who just want to sit on the park bench and feed the birds dammit.
I want one of those tubs that have another tub around it so you can fill it up to the tippity top with water and not have to worry about it spilling everywhere. Although I probably would fall asleep and drown in that. Damn.
Wait. They make those?
I bet he learned to pick a lock from Dora or Diego or someone. They’re sneaky.
Nickelodeon breeds gangs.
I laughed so hard reading this. Showering in my house is best done while the three year old is sleeping. If not, I get many, many visits..because locked doors mean nothing when you can push hard and our doors open. Also, if she can’t open the door she just stands outside it, bangs on it, rattles it back and forth, and yells “Let me INNNNNNNNNNN” “What are you DOIIIINNNG in there?”
..My husband gets to take solo showers and he falls asleep in there. I am so jealous. And we only have one bathroom so it makes shower time even more valuable and scarce.
my kid knows that if he comes in the bathroom while i’m in the shower he gets a faceful of cold water thrown at him. from the toilet.
GENIUS. Why does my toilet have to be so far away? I could always get a cup of toilet water ready, pre-shower, to keep in there with me, though! I knew I registered for wedding china for a reason!
I used to do that to my ex boyfriend, the cup of cold water with ice cubes. And it was HILARIOUS. Also hilarious, but really mean, is to wait until they are in the middle of a hot steamy shower while you’re waiting to take yours..and they’re not rushing and the hot water is almost gone..and throw the cup of ice cold water on them. It’s pants-wetting hilarity, mostly from fear. Even being on the receiving end (he got me back) was pretty fun.
But that’s just my mean streak talking.
This post made my night
I blame romance movies, they give men false ideas about what is acceptable in the bathroom.
That is seriously the story of my shower experience on any given day. Loved it!
I used to do that to my ex boyfriend, the cup of cold water with ice cubes. And it was HILARIOUS.
But that’s just my mean streak talking.
Why did it double post my comment? Sorry!
Bathrooms should be sound proofed and come equipped with deadbolts!
I cannot remember the last time I was allowed to shower alone when my kid was awake. I let her come in the shower with me once when we were running late and she had smeared most of her waffles in her hair- now if anyone even says the word shower she starts taking off her clothes and wants to join. Also she learned to open doors so that she could come bother me when I was in the bathroom. Also my husband waits until I am in the bathroom to ask me questions. It’s awesome.
It seems like we mothers just can’t get a moments peace. I still find it hard to have a peaceful moment in the shower with teenagers. The constant need never ends.
Dude, I want a seat in my shower! I, too, always have a guest. My 2 1/2 yo daughter just gets undressed and hopes in, no questions asked!
If my shower had a seat, I might actually shave more often. But, as it is … I have to sit on the shower floor with the water beating down and getting in my eyes, spitting it out of my mouth, trying to contort my body into some pre-post-pregnancy body stretch, and end up chopping up the back side of my calf.
Awesome.