About Utah, Part One: Homonyms.

I started writing this in Utah about 48 hours ago

However, Utah 48 hours ago and Utah now are two totally different things.

A lot has happened.  So much, that I have decided to run my account of Utah in a three part series.

Which sounds prolific, but is really just due to the fact that I am exhausted and just had a near death experience…of which I won’t get into until Friday.

(cliff hanger)

I headed to Utah for a conference on the Evolution of Women in Social Media.

I have never, in my life, been anywhere as beautiful.

Period.

I didn’t know what to expect, but I watch Big Love and have Mormon people knocking on my door all the time, and was completely prepared for it to either be a state full of well behaved boys with buzz cuts, riding bikes or a really cool compound full of grumpy looking old men and women with long hair and skirts.

I was kinda hoping for the latter, as I have always been a skilled french braider.

It was neither.

From the window of the taxi that drove me through the mountains from Salt Lake City to my Park City resort, I fell in love.

It was majestic, and I have never used that word to describe anything in my whole entire life.

I was so lucky to be there with three of my best friends in the world, and even luckier to have my mom and Gigi along for the ride.

You could have easily turned my exclamations of, I’m seriously moving to Utah, you guys, into a drinking game.

Snow capped mountains.  Take a drink.

Rustic architecture.  Take a drink.

Our hotel was where they filmed Dumb & Dumber.  Take a sip.

Our room had a full kitchen and wine fridge.  Chug two.

The concierge looked like a less bald Prince William, and told me I totally didn’t look old enough to have three children.  Down the whole bottle and hope he didn’t have mommy issues.

I think Utah is what people mean when they say they’re in God’s country.

Because it’s breathtaking.

Wait.

I could be using that phrase wrong.

Does God’s country mean a place is beautiful, or is it those places where everyone walks around angry with guns and plans of succeeding from the union?

I always mix those two up.

Four days hardly seemed like enough time to soak in as much as I wanted to, and yet so much happened.

I was twice mistaken for the very popular Conservative Christian blogger, MckMama.   Never mind I was visibly intoxicated and not seven months pregnant as we stumbled back up to our room after a night of wine.  But, I think the elevation made me loopy, and I was less OMG I  LOOK PREGNANT AND TEABAGGER-Y and more, OMG MckBrittany wants pizza and someone to play with her hair when she gets back to the room.

Third person narrative is apparently funnier seven million feet above sea level.

We woke up early the next morning, which after taking into consideration the time change, and the weird alternate universe thing the Rufus guy was rattling on about in the phone booth, equaled about 7 seconds of sleep.

Which was fine, because after they reach a certain size, eyebags stop being eyebags, and just become droopy cheeks.

We had plans to take a a photography class, that included a gondola ride, which I was very much psyched about.

I took four years of Italian in college, and aside from the all you can eat breadsticks at Olive Garden, my interaction with the subject has been limited.

How weird is it I have to travel to Utah to immerse myself in Italian culture?

I’m seriously moving to Utah, you guys!

(prenda una bevando)

But, here’s the thing.

In Utah, gondola doesn’t mean boat.  It means ski lift.

Which, no offense, is wrong and very, very misleading to people who maybe don’t like heights or dying on mountains.

But, I was peer pressured, and rode it up because they told me that it was gorgeous, and it truly, truly was.

After a few hours, and me desperately moaning for the millionth time, I’m not kidding you guys, we’ve got to find another way down this mountain, we decided to try to lube me up with beer and nachos in an attempt to trick me back down in the gondola.

And, it seemed to work as we waited on the platform for our turn.

It worked as we climbed into the cab.

It even worked when the doors began to shut.

But then we started to move, and I lost it.

You know those people who dive so deep into the ocean their brain explodes and they go crazy, well it was like that, only in the sky.

And, to be honest, I am only even telling you this story because a video of the event has surfaced on youtube, and if I have learned anything from Kendra Wilkinson or that lady from Real Housewives of New Jersey who looks like a panther, it’s way better to negotiate the release of this kind of thing yourself, before it ends up on TMZ and your dad gets pissed.

So, here is the video.  Let me preface this with…

1.   It’s not fair to hold people accountable for the stuff that comes out of their mouths when they are in peril.

2.  I know it’s hard to tell, but we were super high up, and were definitely, probably, almost going to fall to our deaths.

3.   Also, the entire thing was shaking, probably from a mountain tornado or snowless mock avalanche.

4.  From now on, I would like to request all secret videos taken of me with your iPhone while you pretend to be texting to be shot from a way more flattering angle.

5.  I am never moving to Utah.

Can’t see the video?  Click here.