There are baby birds in the wooden bird house next to our deck.
Wyatt is smitten.
I am grossed out.
Personally, I think they look like black, veiny, hairless testicles with beaks, but, whatever, I’m not a veterinarian.
Everyday, Wyatt goes outside to look in the hole.
No, you can’t touch them.
No, they can’t come inside.
No, you can’t keep them.
Monday, I went outside. The hole was quiet. The Trumpet Vine around the bird house was shredded all over the ground, next to mangled baby bird body parts.
Clearly, there had been some sort of struggle.
This…..was not good.
It should not be my job to explain the circle of life to small children.
I’m not the fucking monkey from the Lion King.
So, the real questions here were, what could I shove in the hole to trick Wyatt, and how drunk will I have to get to make it ok to dispose of murdered bird carcasses?
Turns out? Very.
Plus I don’t have rubber gloves, so I had to use salad tongs and the surgical mask from my racy doctor costume a few years ago.
See, Andy?
This is why you invest in polyester costumes from the sexy lady Halloween section of the party store. They never biodegrade, and because they are plastic and non-porous, you can use them in any situation that could cause you to potentially contract some sort of disease.
It’s like if a twinkie and a condom had a baby, and the baby stripped her way through medical school.
So, I put the mask on, picked up the bird pieces with my tongs, and ran over and tossed them in the pond.
Because, obviously, that’s where you dispose of dead bodies.
It took me an hour, because every time I thought I had everything, I would find another head, or a foot, or some sort of intestine. Plus, it was like, 100 degrees out, and I had to take 5 minute dry heave breaks.
Seriously, Horatio Caine, I don’t know how you do this.
I went inside and showered.
I thought about all the things the baby birds would never get to do, like eat dropped fries outside fast food restaurants, or sit on phone wires, or stand in the street until the last possible moment so I have to swerve and almost hit a telephone pole and die.
What a waste.
So, of course Wyatt wants to go out there, and of course I have no pipe cleaners to make fake baby birds out of, so I am like, screw it, let’s do this.
I don’t see the birds, mom?
That’s weird.
Are they sleeping?
Probably.
I don’t see anything in the nest.
Well, they probably left with their mom. Birds do that. Migrate and molt and um…merge to other bird houses, with like, better views and school systems, and less sex offenders. They talk about it all the time on Animal Planet.
One of them left their head here.
…
Can I put it in the pond?
Absolutely. And, Wyatt, don’t tell the others, but you’re my favorite.
{ 52 comments… read them below or add one }
Poor little birdies =( We have a Night Heron nest above our house and a few of the babies have fallen. One of them didn’t make it.
Can I put it in the pond…OMG Wyatt is a freaking amazing kid. Kudos to buying a house with a dead boy pond!
Yup, that was BODY pond….not dead boy pond…because that is just creepy.
ummm, BODY pond is a little creepy too…just saying..
Aww how sad.
I have a rather outdoors-y cat who enjoys catching birds so I tend to be greeted by bird carcasses on the doorstep on a daily basis.
I have a special dustpan I keep outside for such occassions! Plus I make my boyfriend do it.
Kids and animals – it takes the adult brain to push everything into panic. I was sitting in my office one day when my son yelled out – Mummy these two dogs are stuck together….he was 4…I nearly threw up where I sat and bruised my knee to run in there quick enough to hit the “KILL” switch on the TV to see some dumb cartoon with this thing that was half dog half cat with no where to excrete because kids never wonder about that kind of shit. Being an adult can be so stressful.
Giggles from Australia x YES I’m still up. x
“Migrate and molt and um…merge to other bird houses, with like, better views and school systems, and less sex offenders”
^^^ I want that circle of life!!!
Oh, so far Wyatt is my favorite too.
Ponds are totally where one hides bodies. That’s what my sister and I did with our other sister who was too chatty-chatty all the freaking time… um… whoops. Never mind.
You should wear that outfit to Sparklecorn. I’m just sayin’.
This post had the most incredible ending ever. I mean, I was sitting here, feeling traumatized on your behalf because you had to dispose of a shit-ton of baby bird body parts, and then the end came and I almost died. Laughing, of course.
Lord, I can’t wait to come visit your house. Also aren’t the birds going to be zombies now? Isn’t that what happens to stuff when it goes in the pond?
I’m so glad that I’m not the only want that made this comment.
Bwhahaha! When a baby bird fell from the sky and HIT ME on the way down a couple of months ago I made Josh dispose of it. While I freaked the fuck out of course.
Good for you, and good for Wyatt. I think you both behaved exactly as one should be expected to in such a situation.
Count your blessings anyway, though, because just when you thought it couldn’t get worse…I’ll blow your mind.
So this one summer in high school I was babysitting tons of little brats from all over town, and there was this one nearly-too-old-for-a-sitter brat, and she discovered the baby birds in the nest outside my parents house…and she took the nest out and stomped on all of the birds. Just imagine babysitting and realizing one of your charges is a future serial killer.
Oh, and I still had to dispose of the birds.
Oh. my. God.
Ewwww…..and the circle of life talk comes in very, very handy. Have it now while it is a simple Lion-king induced talk and it will save your ass later when you run over a bunny or their redneck uncles are butchering a pig for a pig-roast right. in. front. of. your. kids.
Only you could make me laugh about dead baby birds. (uh, that is a compliment, fyi, even though it might sound snarky or something…er, whatever, I’m cracking up over here)
you might want to talk to andy about his testicles and maybe make sure it’s normal that you are comparing them to baby birds. or were you talking about someone else’s testicles? in that case, you might not want to talk to andy about that.
Now you are totally going to have baby bird zombies along with the Indians or whatever else you keep imagining is going to crawl out of the pond. I can’t wait until the night Andy is working late and you hear birds chirping outside. And now that I’ve put it in your head it is totally going to happen. Sorry.
My nephew lives with my mom and they have pet rabbits that run around outside..Well, they did..Until the giant owls that roost in their backyard tree swooped down and stole rabbits..as he watched..
That’s because he’s the awesomest.
Okay, so I shouldn’t be laughing at this- but my dog did the exact same things. But to baby rabbits. Some idiot mommy rabbit built her nest in a hole that my DOG dug in the middle of our back yard. needless to say, they didn’t last long.
What a cute kid! LOL Way to go Wyatt!
He’s my favorite, too.
You should make sure there’s a NO SWIMMING sign on that pond.
My mom has bluebird houses in her yard. For some reason, this year they got a second batch of babies in one of the houses. My mom and step-dad went to show them to my kids the other day. Turns out super young baby birds don’t do well in week long 100 degree heat.
Noah comes in and says “Well Mom, Grandpa tried to show me the baby birds, but they’re dead. I help him bury them.”
He was much less freaked out about the whole thing than I thought he would be.
His response kills me. He sounds like my kind of kid.
So THATS what ponds are for! See, I knew we didn’t need to spend 100 freaking quid on japanese fish or whatever.
Also, I don’t actually have a pond. Wait, what the fuck were the fish for then?
boys will be boys. just when you think they’re all smitten with something, you find out that they’ve been trying to find a way to see the thing dead all along!
That recently happened to us too. Except the nest was at my MIL’s house so she got to explain the Circle Of Life to my heartbroken three year old. And by circle of life I mean, she told her that they flew away. And when my too smart for her own good daughter called her bluff I asked her if she wanted ice cream. I win.
Your child-rearing skills are mind-boggling.
Geez. You act like you’ve never disposed of a dead body or parts before.
Rookie.
There has been a lot of shit in my life over the last few years that you really could have mitigated. How am I only forging this new addition now? Damnit.
gaaaah. my kids are obsessed with death, which being the crazy panic ridden looney i am is so sucky. we have the great fortune of my mom’s dog and the zoo elephant dying in the same week (like TWO months ago). now within 20 minutes (but usually more like 3) of meeting anyone they mention that the dog and the elephant got ooooold and diiiiied.
OMFG..I spit my gummy bear out…too…fucking…funny..
“I’m not the fucking Monkey from The Lion King”…awesome!
I hope you chucked the salad tongs in the pond too, or at least the bin.
Love it. Dead body pond. Bahahaha. Must not be as sensitive to the circle of life as you thought.
I apparently need a body pond to dispose of the dead woodchuck under my potting shed. Maybe I can ship him to you and you could try the monkey thing again?
one of them left their head behind? omg, that made me laugh out loud. so hard. sorry to hear you had to waste your stripper gear and tongs on bird parts though.
ok, love the comment about not being the monkey in the lion king, that was great. but really i’m here from your guest post about tv…and i need to high five about the my so called life bit. yes, honey, good call. i love mscl, and i feel we are few and far between. i am being met more and more by people who have never seen the show, and that is just sad sad sad. so yay. i’m happy thinking about buffalo tom and the world happiness dance. a great end to my day.
Or you can sit on your back proch and watch your dog eat those veiny babies.
Add this to popular like NOW! Hilarious!
Um… am I the only one concerned with WHAT killed the birds?? Seriously, that’s so disturbing to me.
So you’re saying none of the testicles you’ve seen have beaks?? Hmmm… I knew the doctor was lying when he said that was normal
“Or stand in the street until the last possible moment so I have to swerve and almost hit a telephone pole and die.”
That drives me crazy. Why do you do that birds, for the love of Jeebus, why?!
Heh! What a wise child! You can tell him he’s my favorite, too!
I would not have been brave enough. I think I would have locked my kid in the house until his dad came home to dispose of that poor baby bird. So what did you do with the salad tongs? eeww!
Omg, classic. Once I tried to take care of a wounded baby blue jay (while its mother threatened to kill me from a nearby oak). When it died an hour later, I blamed my dad. Oh, and as an adult, I had to dispose of a dead squirrel. It took me at least two hours.
Oh my god. I once stepped on a baby bird that had fallen out of its nest. It was an accident. I cried and cried and cried. Mother Nature sucks.
OMG I just found your blog and read this and LAUGHED. SO. HARD.
I loved this! Can’t wait to read more from your blog.
Thank You
Molly
http://www.mypeaceoflove.com
my dog was standing over a little bird the other day. It had fallen out of the nest in one piece, thank God.
That is *the* best ab workout I’ve ever had in my 20-12 (read 32 going on 15) years alive. I had a similar bird story – I’m not *even* shitting you….so when you get *real* bored one day…peruse to my blog and read the short entry from about 6 weeks ago where I was forced by evil spirits (and a dip-shit dog named Bundy) to lop the head off a youthful chicken. Did you know they run after they die?
“It’s like if a twinkie and a condom had a baby, and the baby stripped her way through medical school.” I so don’t even understand this but I’m STILL LAUGHING.
and I have the same sexy nurses costume!! Good thing I kept it. Just in case.
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