Barring some form of sudden disfigurement, I don’t ever want to get plastic surgery on my face.
I saw some surgery show once when I was little. A woman was getting her jowls tightened and they peeled her whole face off.
I couldn’t eat Spaghetti O’s for months after that.
No matter how many wrinkles or sags I had, in no way would it be worth having my face pulled down like bib overalls.
So, I will probably never be that person, with the over arched eyebrows, or the fat upper lip, fat implanted into my cheeks.
I will just age as I age, right?
I don’t wear make up. I don’t smoke. I don’t go out into the sun.
I’ll be like Demi Moore. Or that girl from the TLC show The Eternal baby, she was 17 and still in diapers. I’ll probably have her skin, and it will be fine.
EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE FINE.
And then, I had these kids, and I wake up, and I look like Phyllis Diller, if she was like, in a bar fight and left for dead on the side of the road, and small woodland creatures started gnawing away at her.
And I think, what the hell just happened. I was young looking, like, five seconds ago?
Why is my stomach skin touching near my vagina skin?
Why are there giant lines under my eyes?
And, why am I tucking under my arm skin before I get my picture taken at the DMV?
How does this happen? I feel like I was paying attention, and everything was fine, and then I look away for a second, and the gravitational force holding my body up peaced out, and I am left hear holding four hundred pounds of silly putty.
I don’t want surgery.
On my face.
I mean, my boobs or my stomach, fine, that’s a war I can’t win.
But, the face just never ends well.
So, I am looking into alternate solutions.
Namely, I look at Urban outfitters.com, see what the kids are wearing, and then I try to find something similar to it online that comes in a size higher than four, you know, in case I don’t have to burp that day.
I also have been doing a lot of my shopping out of the Miley Cyrus and Taylor Swift section of Walmart. If I wear shirts with silk screened dominatrix corsets, or have clever quotes about how boys are silly on them, I am clearly more youthful.
And then, the other day I was searching for mail order wine, and I read that putting Preparation H under your eyes removes the bags, and I remember hearing that before, so it clearly must be true.
Except I bought the generic Walmart version, because $6 for butt ointment to put on your eyes seems ridiculous.
Sidenote: I wasn’t aware that the ointment actually went inside your butt, because the top of the tube kinda looks like a long sprinkler system. I am also never going to borrow anyone else’s Preparation H.
So, I put it under my eyes, and on my stomach, and on my thighs, and behind my arms.
Because all those things needed to be shrunk and tightened.
And, not only did none of those things shrink, it tuns out, if you coat yourself in a silicone based ointment, you are basically lubricated for an entire day, and I couldn’t even drive because my seats are leather, and I kept slipping and then lunging toward the gas petal.
So, I looked like this lumpy grown woman, in a Miley Cyrus shirt and a fedora, covered in Vaseline.
And, there is absolutely nothing youthful about that.
{ 58 comments… read them below or add one }
Oh Britt, how do I love thee??
AWESOME
LMAO “I mean, my boobs or my stomach, fine, that’s a war I can’t win.”
muahahahhahaha
I hate my armpit fat. HATE IT! And I was looking in the rear view mirror today and HOLY lines around my eyes. WHAT THE FUCK MAN!
Those lines are for each kid you have. I’ve noticed my ‘lines’ that were never there before, until I woke up one morning, while my infant, toddler wanna-be, son was screaming in his crib at the butt crack of dawn, and me without any coffee in my system! I looked in the mirror as I passed by and stopped dead in my tracks! WTF? Who was that person? That’s me? No way…..went back, slowly peeked at that strange person in the mirror and realized ‘yep, that’s my tired looking ass’ staring back at me…….then I saw my face……
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHA!
ohmygawd… I am so happy I put down the pepsi I was drinking before reading this as there is nothing grosser than snorking pepsi out your nose as you laugh and drink at the same time. The image of the vaseline covered woman slip sliding on her leather covered seats is a KILLER!!!
*sigh* I love it, I just love it!
Thanks!
M
If I don’t have makeup on I look like I went a couple of rounds with those guys that were on The Contender. I hate the dark circles. Hate them.
You have to get the Preperation H from Canada!! The FDA did not approve the chemical for America that does the shrinking. . .you must import!
I swear it works!!!!!!!! Good luck! 
Just wondering, but if the FDA didn’t approve the chemical to shrink, then what the hell is in the US version of Prep. H ?? Or do we just not want to know?
Hahahahaha! Why is the stomach skin touching the vagina skin? One of the things I always wonder when I catch a glimpse of myself on all fours with my husband’s skinny ass behind me. Sad…
OMG HOLLY, I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Fuck, I totally spend way too much time in the sun. That’s gonna bite me in the ass someday.
HAHAHAHAHA Brit made Amy say Fuck. I can’t even make a normal comment now. I’m giggling to hard.
i’m not going to lie, i’m very glad to have someone else admit their stomach skin (almost) touches their vag skin. i mean. ugh. seriously, what is THAT about??? it’s like a totally NOT useful fanny pack. at least if i could store a joint in there or something…
You killed me with the Prep H cream. Dammit.. if it works in one place it SHOULD work in others! Stupid ass cream.
If there is ever an excuse to be overweight, it’s that it makes you appear younger. Think about all the things that are made to “plump” areas so you don’t have wrinkles. If we just gain weight they stay plumped no need to have someone else’s fat added to mine.
Why I still get teenage pimples, while age lines creep up beside my eyes and mouth, I’ll never know. WTF? Why can’t my face make up its mind – young (and gross) or old (and gross)? At least I could develop a plan of attack….sheesh….
you… are… just… (hold on. setting down wine glass before something breaks.)
HYSTERICAL!!!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I never gave a hot damn about Canadian drugs before but if their Preparation H has a secret shrinking ingredient, I am IN (well, the Prep H is anyway….). What other secrets are you crazy Canadians harboring? Huh? HUH!?!? Mamma wants to know!
Maybe I should consider lip grafting…then everyone would literally be kissing my ass…
ha, i have the c-section overhang to boot. it’s a pretty rad body flap. i can keep my keys in there, or like…spare toys for the kids, or my dignity. Sigh.
Honey, you’re still young and hot. Have two more kids and add a bunch of years and get back to me. Plus, my ass went on strike when I was like, twenty eight and it still hasn’t decided to get back up and work it.
LOLOLOLOL…. Oh so funny…especially about the stomach skin….
I think we all need to find some way of exporting all our good, solid, Grade-A all-American flab and such to countries filled with starving people. Why can all our science and ingenuity not make this happen somehow?
I’m waiting for someone to breed a sterile, short-lived tapeworm for cosmetic use. Or have they already? Maybe some of those foot-eating pedicure fish could learn to eat cellulite?
Not long after I had my daughter last year I was walking down an aisle in Target. I felt someone poke me on the side of my back and figured it was just my hubby messing around. When I turned around nobody was there. I was walking down the aisle when I felt this poking again. I started to think it was some Target ghost. Then I realized it’s just my back fat rubbing together. I wish it was a ghost.
OMG! So funny…..and sad…..I feel your pain!
I thought this was going to end with grievous injury. Phew.
omg Brittany! I Love you in your bathtub. And seriously woman, wtf are you worried about? You’re hawt. Also, thank fuck you didn’t pay 6 bucks for butt ointment – like 6 bucks?! I’m never gonna have surgery either, if that shit goes wrong you have to have more surgery to cover it up and umm..I do NOT want that shit to go wrong!
Good call on the single user Prep-H. Friends don’t need to share EVERYTHING.
i am 5’11″ and have big hair, so i’ve always been a conspicuous person. now add vagina-touching-stomach-skin and flappy arms–i am basically like the abominable snowman or a rhinoceros. with stretch marks.
and you? are beautiful, and funny. take that, ass cream.
Dude, Preparation H DOES work to make you look less tired. But you should use the cream version, and you should only use a little tiny tiny amount. And I wouldn’t use it on any other body parts, except you know, the ones for which it is otherwise indicated. I know, I know, not supposed to be posting a serious response here. Can’t help it.
Oh yeah, I hear ya. The face is something I’ll hold off on, thanks, but the rest of it is fair game. After having twins, and working now on a singleton, I know all too well the feeling of having stomach skin touching near my vagina skin. It’s just not natural.
I think your material does better in writing than as a vlog. You are an incredible writer. Funny in a very over-the-top way.
You may wish to consider this opinion for the purposes of broadening your audience, since I’m not in the demographic your comments suggest. For one, I am of the male persuasion; also, if you weren’t married by the Internet dating rule of thumb I couldn’t date you (unless you’re more than 35 and a half, in which case Andy’s got serious competition).
As to the subject matter, I feel I am at the top of the hill, at the edge of that plateau after which I will be over the hill and rapidly careening downward. Honey, you ain’t seen nuthin’ yet.
As always, your fan,
C
Sometimes I swear my bathroom mirror has turned into one of those shitty fun house things. Where does all that extra skin come from???????
Stomach is cramping from laughing. Spaghetti O’s?! GAG
Brilliant.
Every time I see some woman with her lips all jacked up with collagen I am reminded of how silly these facial procedures are.
Funny stuff. I talk with friends about the need for having the lunch lady arms sheared off someday. I get excited when I find sleeves that aren’t capped and actually cover the horror.
Just an FYI to the person who asked about other great Canadian drugs. I love the muscle relaxers you can buy at any drug store in Canada that are only available by prescription here in the US. Robaxacet (or something close)….but get the store brand they are loads cheaper.
When I was young[er] I remember reading an article in Vogue about how the body succumbs to gravity’s pull (and pizza night). It started with “One day I felt something on the back of my thighs. It was my ass.” At the time that seemed really funny in an “it’ll NEVER happen to me” way but now it’s only funny because I totally get it. {{{sigh}}}
I giggled the whole way through this AND the comments. Too funny! Now I have to explain to my cubicle neighbor what’s so funny. Tee he!
You guys are seriously making me paranoid about having kids. Are stomach flab pancakes topping my vag really what I have to look forward to?
It’s not about aging, but eating too much! Being that fat at 28, if you don’t want to be obese at 40, be on a diet!
What the fuck is wrong with you? Are you suddenly better than others? You must be some sort of celebrity or maybe some sad person that has no friends in real life so you haunt the internet looking for your next victim.
You’re a fucking bitch…just so you know.
WHAT.
THE.
FUCK.
Way to not leave a link to your site. You’ve gone and stirred the hornet’s nest on this and aren’t willing to fess up as to who you are. How DARE YOU??
Oh, and what Ali said…
um, who the fuck do you think you are? it is quite possible that you picked the wrong lady to fuck with. her readers get really cranky and we will kick your ass if you are mean to our friend.
actually… it IS about aging. did you read the title of the post or were you too high up on your fucking horse to see that?
i could totally go for an empress sandwich right about now… fried and with hot sauce.
First of all, Empress, you got her age wrong. So way to make an asshole comment and not even be correct.
Secondly, the only people who leave asshole comments like that are people that are jealous, and probably don’t have an adoring husband and three adoreable babies with him. So take your bitterness elsewhere.
I think if I were The empress I’d be less concerned about other peoples’ weight and more concerned about being an enormous fucking cunt.
Actually, aging does have an affect your metabolism (especially after having a few children). After age 25, stuff happens.
I hope, empress, that you do not have female relatives who you speak to in this manner (or that you have daughters!). …because someone’s self-esteem is going to be in serious jeopardy. When you attack other women on the Internet, be prepared to be called the “c” word often. If you were defending yourself, fine….fair game. But this was unprovoked. Shame on you.
Dear Empress, what planet are you on? Or what drugs? And could you please clarify who you’re calling “fat at 28″????
I said it in comments for the last VLOG and I’ll say it here too — you look super skinny (read: HAWT) in your video’s! I would kill for your cheekbones and eyebrows (I seriously covet non-freak eyebrows!!!!)!!! Further OMG you do not look like you had three kids… seriously.
on to the stomach overhang thing… I started working out like crazy and bought my first bikini (at 26, how sad is that?) and finally felt good about myself… then came the stomach surgery where I essentially had a c-section and a few other incisions… so now I too have the baby flap only I have never been pregnant… it sucks a duck! But thanks to Katy Perry high waistband bikini bottoms are in so I just tuck that shit in and rock the curvy look.
I am soooo not ok with aging, but I will NEVER have any type of plastic surgery.
I am one that does tan, not alot but Im not pasty white either. I dont think I look my age. SO I am not overly worried about aging yet. It is all part of life no?
You cant look awesome forever. Isn’t beauty on the inside anyways?
i might do some microdermabrasion shit on my face, but no one is coming near my face (or body) with a scalpel unless i’ll die if they don’t slice.
yer pretty.
stop it! you’re making me laugh – alone, really loud, in front of my computer AGAIN!!! too hilarious
Get out of the tub. Go to Walmart. Hubby loves doing that. He says it makes him feel young and thin and rich and smart and handsome. Compared to some of what you’ll see there (no disrespect to you Walmart shoppers out there – you just haven’t seen our Walmart’s crowd).
If that doesn’t work, go to the hardware aisle. They have staple guns and glue and duct tape. For tightening things up.
3 weeks into having now 2 children I look like I’m carrying an entire airplane worth baggage under my eyes. I looked in the mirror the other day and thought WTF when and why did I get a black eye , then I realized that’s just how bad the bags are.
Wait, does this mean you think Demi Moore hasn’t had plastic surgery?
I was not going to comment, but 2 things are making me:
1) “The empress” can kiss my A$$ (she is not worthy of kissing yours).
2) I got a text message while watching your vlog…. Wait, I swear I just heard the blackberry message tone, but looked to my phone, and nothing…
I almost choked on my oatmeal… over and over. It’s time to put down the spoon when someone is making me laugh!
And I have definitely hemorroid creamed my eye bags… but you just made me snort with delight with your story of slipping off your leather seats! Ha! Though I was disappointed when you said it didn’t work
I was getting ideas for my own tuckable arm skin.
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