When the cat’s away…

I’m not sure what Andy thinks happens when I travel.

I imagine he fancies it some sort of non-stop slumber party.

We spend all day in our underwear, eating cupcakes, dancing to girly music, having tickle fights.

The reality of traveling with me is much less glamorous.

In fact, as anyone who has ever roomed with me will attest…it’s down right messy.

My bed.  I’ve been here 24 hours.  Seriously.

It’s, like, the Neverland Ranch of hotel nightstands.

Jen’s bed.

Basically, she hates my guts.

I am…incredibly busy.

And, I don’t let the maid service in because I feel like they lick my water bottles in the fridge, and judge me because my garbage is full of Starburst wrappers, red bull and maxi pads, and wet spanx that smell like organic hotel shampoo are hanging on the tub.

So, because I am so busy do things that aren’t, like, showering, or brushing my hair, or shaving…I have to improvise so I don’t go out into public smelling like Tommy Lee looks.

Things that help?

Washing off my stinky parts in the sink with a rag and some hand soap, or baby wipes, or those wetnap things you get from lobster restaurants.

I also dab a little clear lip loss on the apples of my cheeks to make me look young and dewy.  I saw Jessica Simpson mention it a few years back on some talk show.  I am sure it’s still completely relevant.  As is my Wet N Wild purple eyeliner.

Lastly, I shave.

But, not my old school, dry shave with some lotion and pray for the best sort of way.

Because that never ended well for me.  My legs were streaked with razor burn, wind would touch them and I’d cry, and I would always forget a patch of hair, like a little soul patch near my ankle.

Enter, Schick Intuition Razor.  Which, I had actually tried a few years before while pregnant with Gigi and unable to reach my…well…anything.

So, gave it another go, because I had a party to host, and Gavin Degraw was coming, and you don’t ask someone to be your kids step father with hairy legs.  Obviously.

So, I balanced on the edge of the sink, wet my legs down, and shaved.

And, it was amazing.  Super fast and easy, because the lube is actually attached to the razor, so it just kinda glided along, removing all the hair, and the street grime, and also, apparently, moles.

Like the cute one that used to sit adorably on my left calf.

Cut it clean off.

Of course, I didn’t notice that, got dressed, walked into the bathroom, slipped in  pool of my own blood and ended up on my back staring up and the blood soaked leg of my pants.

It was like I had murdered a puppy in there.

There was no way I was letting room service in there now, like I need Detective Stabler up my ass on the biggest night of my career?

This was nothing a little hand sanitizer and a change of clothes can’t fix.

But the fact is, despite my inability to work with sharp objects, my legs were ridiculously smooth.

Which means I am free to easily and effectively shave my legs in any situation involving water, whether it be a dirty rest stop sink or the fountain at the mall.

Which is shockingly relevant to my lifestyle.

Weird.

Although we all know it’s not uncharacteristic of me to take a pirate bath in a hotel in New York City, it’s important to mention I have been wonderfully compensated by Schick Intuition for this post.  Click here for more information in their amazing K.I.S.S. & tell campaign, a $4 off coupon and a chance to win $5000!