If I’m pregnant, it’s Joe Biden fault.
It’s not his fault that we never went back and did the post vasectomy test. That was mainly just laziness on our part. And logistically, well, the whole thing just sounded entirely too yucky for me.
It’s also not his fault that my period is wacky right now and it’s freaking me out, even though it may totally just be a result of returning home from a weekend of estrogen in NYC that’s tampering with my moon cycles.
So, as a safety precaution, I was just gonna go ahead and not do it for a while.
It will be like when I pretended I was a virgin before we got married the first time around. Even though Andy was like, that only actually works if I’m not the one you’ve sleeping with for eight years.
Where’s your imagination, Andy?
Then comes Biden.
Andy came home from work early. Which almost never happens, because it’s summer, and if he is out of the office at all during daylight hours, he heads to the golf course.
But, he came home.
Which was jarring, because I have Brittany stuff that I do during the day, and I need warning.
So I can, like, hide wrappers, or wipe bleach off my lip.
And, he was totally all lovin’ up all over me, and I’m thinking, dude, no.
There is something amiss with my lady cycles, and there is no way I am gonna open this up for business until I know for sure I won’t find myself camped outside the Rite Aid at 7am in 14-28 days, looking up pregnancy symptoms on Yahoo Answers from my Blackberry.
What are you doing home?
The Vice President came to my work today to tour the place, and then he sent us home early to go be patriotic in this pretty weather while he and his handlers chat it up with the big wigs.
And, your version of being patriotic is rubbin’ all up on me?
Yes’um.
No. We should go buy a flag. It’s crazy we don’t have one. I’m sure that’s the more patriotic thing to do.
Nope. I tried to buy one last July and you told me there was no way you were going to let me drill a hole in the post to hang a flag because you weren’t feeling stars this year.
They’re just over played, that LA Ink girl has them all over her forehead, that shape has clearly jumped the shark.
Right, regardless, he sent us home early, I shook his hand, told him I was going to go take care of business with you, and drove straight home. Well, not straight home because I stopped to get us smoothies.
I’m sorry. That’s weird, because it sounds like you just told the Vice President you were coming home to have sex with me. For…America?
I did.
…
He high fived me. It’s odd when grown men do that, but yeah. He seemed jazzed.
How do you even argue with that?
I mean, I don’t want to have sex right now, because it’s going to be next to impossible to chart things and not worry something is off, but dude, I’ve basically just been drafted.
So I had to. Because I love my country. And freedom.
And, you know what, this all just figures, because I’m pretty sure I already jinxed myself last week.
I keep diapers all over the car.
Size 4 under the driver’s seat.
Size 2 in the glove compartment.
Size 5 in the center console.
You just never know.
Sometimes the kids might need one. Sometimes I might need one.
So, like I mentioned, a week ago I started my period two weeks early.
I had already used the tampon I keep in the car to apply eye glitter the week before, and I hadn’t replaced it yet. It was still sitting in the cup holder, but menstruation is already busy enough, it doesn’t need to sparkle.
So, I used the size 1 under my drivers seat.
My last size 1.
It was so tiny and soft.
And gone.
I was sad about it for, like, four seconds.
I don’t know. I just feel done.
Maybe it’s maturity, or my career.
Either way, I’m at a point where I feel complete, and there are things I want to do with my vagina that have nothing to do with placentas.
Except now…I have to wait.
For Joe Biden.
For America.
{ 56 comments… read them below or add one }
*Saluting*. That’s MY kind of patriotism! Also, high five to Andy. I’ve GOT to use that line sometime, and see what, uh, comes of it.
Isn’t it genius?! Let’s DO IT in the name of National Security!
Ahh, patriotic sex and sparkly vaginas. Once again you are reminding me of my college days.
You are a good American. And? If you get pregnant again, I’ma laugh my ass off. That is all, sistah.
Fist-bump. xox
That is AWESOME! *High five* Patriotic duty!
On another note..DUDE! Now we HAVE to meet up, because I pee in diapers like…sometimes.
Er.. I mean, a post baby bladder + a hike in the woods(wearing babies in carries makes me pee, I think)= nobody has to know that I am peeing in a diaper RIGHT now.(ok, see there were other hikers, so couldn’t drop trou, I had to improvise!!!)
On a down side, I tried this at 3 months pregnant with #2 because it was pee in a diaper or pee in a beyond gross gas station bathroom.. and I just peed all over myself while crouching in our old van in a parking lot.
I under estimated how much pee I REALLY had & had to drive home with no undies ( like THAT was an issue, ha!) after that one.
We could just wear diapers right on into a bar, get drunk & be like “I am peeing RIGHT now..” while we sat amongst the unknowing other drunks.
It is kinda nice that you know you want to be done, I can’t wait to be done, but I have a few more kids to go because closing up the baby shop. Damn baby shop…
I HAVE to pee in diapers, because the alternative would be my car seats, or public sidewalks. I’m THAT our of hand. I think i need a catheter?
So, I totally LOL’d at Joe Biden high-fiving Andy about Patriotic sex. FTW.
Sparkles!
(Joe Biden hit on me once. Remind me to tell you THAT story.)
And you said NO!? Dude, Biden is a pimp!
I’m going to need that story as well.
I await the announcement of your Party in the Bathroom in the next week or so.
OR
I await the announcement of your uterus being filled with a wee bebe.
Either way, there will be an announcement, yes?
For your sake, I hope you’re not pregnant. For my sake, I hope you are because I’ll be reading some damn funny posts on here (including you being restrained by Secret Service when you try to punch Joe Biden in the balls.)
*in quivery, weepy voice* I’m Proud To Be An American…!
Boo for preggo jitters, yay for tampon eye glitter applicators.
Your post vasectomy test story still pops to mind to this day…especially when watching Big Bang Theory *knock knock knock*Andy*knock knock knock*Andy*knock knock knock*Andy…
I hope you enjoyed your smoothie – and sex with a hand that high fived Uncle Joe.
Just do it for your country! And I agree with Regan- if you are pregnant that’s going to make for some damn good reading.
w00t! Yay for patriotism! I won’t tell you what I did in the name of patriotism :O My hubby was in the Army, we used to break all kinds of UCMJ rules…
On the plus side, this new baby already comes with a name picked out, right?
More than patriotism, more than promising the Vice President (if you refused, I’m pretty sure you’d have sent him up the river for treason, or something), Andy gave up GOLF for you. You had no choice from the very beginning.
So I say Joseph Biden Mickelson Foodie it is.
You realize I am now going to spend the afternoon naming the non existent patriot baby, right?
I don’t know Biden personally, but you can totally see this scene happening exactly like Andy said, right? I mean, he couldn’t have pulled this off with Cheney, or Hillary Clinton. Biden for Pimp-in-Chief!
Tampons and eye glitter and sparkle period devil = genius.
This reminded me of Grease 2 (right?) where the dude sings to the chick about doing it for her country. I envisioned you and Hubs singing to eachother with poodle skirts/uniforms on.
Way to make my morning fantastic!
That is BASICALLY what happened, except I did most the signing, Andy can’t hold a note.
I am all for patriotic sex . What about the vag dazzling? That is patriotic no? Glitter on the clitter?
TOTALLY patriotic. It all comes down to what colors you use. I mean, OBVIOUSLY, don’t use communist colored glitter.
“Glitter on the clitter”. Awesome. I’ll have to remember that one.
I just found your blog last week, and I’ve been laughing my ass off ever since. The link to the post-vasectomy test post…I’m about to pee MY pants. Hilarious!
WaY too funny! I hope you are not preggers and that you enjoyed Biden inspired sex!
Your baby Joe is going to be SO cute!
I know , right? i hope he comes out with more hair and less live spots, though.
And here I totally thought that link was going to be to that Grease 2 song when he tries to convince her to “Do it for our country”.
You are so political!
America thanks you!!!
I just had Mr. Ordinary read this to show him how funny your conversations with Andy are. And guess what happened then? He went and got all patriotic, too.
I’ll name mine Liberty and you can name yours Justice, k?
Absolutely love that film, but the flag’s reversed on that particular clip.
OH.
WTF? I started to type a riveting reply and the comment form totally ran off with the beginning of it WITHOUT WAITING FOR ME TO FINISH!
Now I’m all thrown off! I feel weird and cheated somehow… wonder if I’m pregnant?
This shit better not be catchin’!
So did you think about Joe Biden during this sex? I won’t judge.
Reminds me of “Let’s Do It For Our Country” from Grease 2.
diapers are so unbelievably handy. and, seriously, i’m so impressed that you had afternoon sex. where were the kids???
LOL…Much more patriotic, IMHO than paying your taxes!
Dude, if you’re pregnant, the kid is totally going to grow up to be Vice President!
(Also, I’ve never applied eye glitter. If I had, maybe I would understand how one does so with a tampon . . . Hmmm.)
This is one of my top five BFF posts. Is it weird that I have a list. I do. LOVE!!!!!!!
advice from a stranger — we skipped the post snip test. A week later a friend told me that her cousins best friend skipped the post check and 6 YEARS LATER got pregnant! That stuck in my head So anytime I was an hour late for my period I would buy 3-16 pregnancy tests just to be sure….FOr 6 whole years. I just hit the 6 year “post vasectomy” mark a few months ago and my pregnancy test days are over – I get to have sex for fun now – anytime – without thinking ——- so advice…get the test done, it will save you loads of worry , especially now that I’ve told you the cousins best friend story!
Absolutely positively hilarious. People love to torment those of us who have had our men get snipped with stories of people who got pregnant post-vasectomy. I still (4 years later and with both snip tests done) get freaked out every now and then and do a test. When you’re Irish Catholic (by heritage) and your whole family (including you) breeds like rabbits, you can’t help the paranoia. Buy pregnancy tests in bulk and hide them away somewhere. You will want them at some point, just for your peace of mind. But I bet you will be fine. And if not, Joe Biden is a great baby name.
Although I got my tubes all cut and smashified, *and* I take Depo to keep from having a period (who has T.I.M.E. for that b.s.?!), I *still* feel those little bubbles and freak out that it’s Immaculate Conception #2, and we *all* know The Lord wouldn’t do that…..to me….right? Then I remember I ate broccoli, beans, or something fibrous, and it’s not a baby a feel, but just a fart or five. Ahhhhhhhhhh, sweet relief!
Have you seen Grease 2? I’m kinda picturing the scene where Sharon and DiMucci are in the fallout shelter Michael somehow owns (or something??) and they sing the song about “doing it for our country; our country wants us toooooo” In case you didn’t watch this movie every day in your youth, like I did, here’s a refresher for you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QX8mWMKReBY (song and lyrics, just for you. Hahahhaaha)
Is now the right time to say that for me that resulted in two pink lines on a stick?? #4 is in the oven.
My husband is very persuasive also, that’s probably why we have our own set of Irish twins! I gotta say though, he’s never busted out the “For America!” excuse…Andy is brilliant!
You guys are fucking inspiring. I’m going to go have sex for America too.
I knew I voted for Biden for a reason.
Hilarious. Just think, if you’re pregnant, and Biden finds out about this, maybe he’ll put your last child through University and make sure your child gets an awesome job when he grows up?
ANYWAY…. those size 1 diapers are so sweet and I’m sad for you that you don’t have any more to look at!
Dude… I LOVED this post. I can’t believe I’ve never been to your blog before… better late than never, right? I’m having another kid in December… I can totally send you a size 1 diaper if ya need it lol
I SO shouldn’t have read your post. Really, “Biden”? That really didn’t give me a heads up as to what it was about.
I have an IUD, and I’ve been feeling a bit “off”. Mentioned to BFF that I wondered if I should take a test? You know, cause 7 out of 1,000 ladies with IUDs get preggo? Now all these other ladies who have commented about having buns in their ovens are freaking me out! Not sure whether it’s more crazy to take a test (I mean, really, I highly doubt I’m one of the 7/1000) or continue to bury my head in the sand (but what if I am and my baby comes out all weird because its face got squished up next to my IUD for nine months?)? What to do, what to do . . .
Oh, and if I am preggo, I know I got knocked up when we were on a vacation in Mexico. Pretty sure Biden wouldn’t approve.
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