Andy, I know that you are sleeping right now, and you can’t hear me, but I wanted to tell you, I know you ate my leftover cashew chicken.
And you snore. Even though you say you don’t, you do.
We all hear it and talk about it when you aren’t around.
We don’t laugh, because it’s like, a medical issue, and I don’t like laughing at disabled people, but we definitely discuss it.
A few minutes ago, when you woke up all startled and I told you you must have had a bad dream?
You didn’t.
It was me.
I lightly punched you in the face.
I tried to just stick my fingers in your nostrils, but it didn’t work, the snore sound kept coming out, and then my fingers were wet, so I wiped them on your shirt.
I can’t sleep.
I want to go in the living room and watch Weeds on Netflix, but there are too many windows and I am feeling paranoid.
Earlier tonight, I went out and got the mail, because I’m waiting for an important check, and it was pitch black. Those stupid solar light things you bought from that little asshole a road over for his school fundraiser don’t work. He won’t refund our money or let me exchange them for the tin of chocolate turtles like I told you I wanted in the first place.
So, when I was walking back from the mailbox, something splashed super big in the pond. It could have been a big fish jumping, but more likely than not, it was a dead body floating to the surface and I screamed, and started running, and I stepped on the end of the hose and fell in the wet mulch pile and it looks like a pooped my pants when I didn’t.
But, you can’t rationalize that with three and four year olds.
Everything is pee and poop with them.
Wyatt told me the other day he was changing his middle name to Poop.
I think it’s brilliant.
Because that way, you know where you stand with him right from the start. He just lays it all out on the table.
The kid’s a fucking genius.
Hmm.
Now you are chewing. Sleep chewing.
…
Ok, I just recorded it on my phone, it’s totally weird.
You better not be dreaming about another girl.
Gigi hates diapers, have you noticed?
She keeps pulling them off.
So, either she is ready to be potty trained, which may be the case, because speaking from experience, girls are much, much smarter than boys, or she’s going to be a pop singer.
Which I am actually fine with, but only if you promise to let me the conservator.
I think I would be way awesomer at that than you.
I love that you are asleep for most of our in depth parenting conversations. You’re so much more agreeable this way.
Because, no offense, but when you are awake, you are kinda Negative Nelly.
You shoot down all my best ideas.
We should write a book about making marriages work.
Like we’re professional married people.
You just stay here and sleep, I’m going to go sketch some book jackets.
*air kiss*
{ 47 comments… read them below or add one }
It’s always SO much better if they just agree to let us drive the bus, right sistah? Le sigh. If only I didn’t always have to convince him that my way is right… oh, and nostril-wetness on your fingers? Ew. That’s GOT to be a whole lotta love right there.
I measure all my love in mucus.
I’d buy the book.
My husband sleep scratches, which is way creepy and gross and makes me think of him like the puppy at the pound who has crazy scratched a patch of his fur off.
I got my husband to agree to a new washing machine with no notice by waking him at two in the morning to bring up the idea and then when he said yes I went downstairs and ordered it immediately. When he barely remembered it in the morning, I couldn’t be held responsible. I have learned that sleeping is the best way to negotiate ANYTHING. You are also a genius of this system it seems. You don’t even bother to wake him. Double score. You brilliant bitch.
Yes. If you say it out loud, I TOTALLY COUNTS.
LOL – about a year ago I was on the phone with the appliance store ordering a replacement black plain wall oven. I LOVE appliances and LOVE the kitchen so wanted more. My husband thought it would be funny to start messing around while I tried to maintain my composure. Being the better multitasker I maintained the conversation – got him to the brink and THEN upgraded to the stainless steel convection model while he nodded yes yes YES and was completely at my mercy. The best way to shop
Ya’ll relationship is kick ass!
You Rock!
*air kiss*
My husband didn’t believe he snored either until I recorded him…before I married him, I had a list of the top 21 qualities a man had to have to be worthy enough to marry me…this was developed one drunkened night with some friends in the Air Force (when I got most of my great ideas at the time)…and he met every one of the criteria…including not snoring…now- after 14 years of marriage, I am married to a bulldozer…
Breathe right strips don’t work…ear plugs (for me) don’t either…I have even told him that not only am I not getting sleep…and I TOTALLY love my sleep….he isn’t either and should see someone about it…or sleep on the couch. Which sucks…because I like to cuddle. I dhould definitely try getting him to agree to stuff in the middle of the night after he wakes me up- that seems like a fair trade-off
Love you! You make my day
CP
It’s the price they have to pay.
And those strips TOTALLY DO NOT WORK.
My husband likes to have important discussions while I’m asleep, too. The problem is that I both talk in my sleep and (apparently) wake up and have a conversation without actually being conscious. So I will agree to all kinds of things and help make all kinds of decisions without any memory of doing so. Sometimes I think that he just says I did to get his way…
Listen, this is what you need to do. Set up a video camera in your room to see if the sleep conversation actually occurs or he is totally playing you.
P.S. Shut the camera OFF before you have sex. Learned that one the hard way.
My boyfriend’s snoring doesn’t bother me, it’s when he starts to kick and punch wildly in his sleep. Like when he was fighting off the rabid raccoon or the michelin tire man.
Make him sleep in a sleeping bag on top of the covers. It’s like a condom…for potential physical harm.
Egad. the snoring. I dated a guy I had to physically roll over on his side to make him stop! I have to admit it was the death of our relationship. It took almost two years, but the less sleep I got, the more the hatred grew.. and what drove me insane- is that when his head hit the pillow.. he was instantly asleep. Like a gator when you put them on their backs. I don’t know if his brain dislodged or if God gave him an off switch, but all in all, he was the only one who woke up “well rested.” Maybe it’s a British thing. Maybe due to his Assmar and the lack of oxygen he was able to inhale. Maybe I didn’t love him enough, like my mom told me when the “hands on healing” of my dying parakete didn’t take. (Even at 9, I was skeptical of my mother’s healing ability– BTW, bipolar mom’s rock ) But I digress..
god bless you for not Pillow smothering Andy- you would miss his aeroplane adventures.
I’m going to totally start having all discussions with my soon-to-be husband while he’s NOT snoring. *wink, wink* This is brilliant. I’m all in on the book, just let me know when it’s releasing, I will want to pre-order so that I get the free package of breathe-right strips.
I think your brain and my brain were twins, separated at birth.
We should compare brain birthmarks. I bet you are totally right.
I think that would be the best how to make your marriage work book ever.
My husband chews in his sleep too! I never ever noticed it when we were dating but within days of being married and living together I was like WTF is that noise? Finally I figured out he was chewing on his tongue in his sleep. Most. Annoying. Noise. Ever.
Yes, I must have been so tired after all that pre-marriage sex that I was never awake to hear it. Then I got married and didn’t have that issue anymore.
Mine is a chewer and a teeth grinder as well… I am guilty of grabbing the lower jaw until he stops.
And then if he wakes up, pretending I’m asleep.
My husband totally snores and thinks he doesn’t. I need to record it so I can prove it to him. Right now I just kick him, or hit him with a pillow.
Usually an elbow to the ribs will stop my husband’s snoring.
I have to stop myself from giggling when he credits the soreness in his ribcage to the previous night’s super-strenuous, hard-core judo practice. He’s never wondered (aloud anyway) why it’s only the right side of his ribs that get injured.
I’m so glad I’m not the only one who goes through this at night. My hubby snores like a bear and has Freddy Kruegar toenails that slash the sheets. It drives me insane. Oh and he grinds his teeth. I wrote a post about it and read it to him but he wasn’t that amused. I like to kick him in the leg or lightly smother him with his pillow.
Then he sits up in bed going “huh, wha, huh, huh”. I sit there and innocently say “What’s wrong? Nothing happend, you must be dreaming.” The best part, he then says I’m keeping him up. grrrrr
My husband night-farts. ‘Nuff said.
The intricate combination of sweet and sassy in this post make me smile.
“Lightly punched you in the face”—AWESOME
“I lightly punched you in the face”
This is one of the best things I have EVER read.
I worship you.
Hmm, I sometimes wake up with my face aching and snot on my shirt. I wonder if the wife is also punching me, sticking her fingers up my nose and wiping it on my shirt.
I don’t want to alarm you. But that is definitely what is happening.
Was the dead body the neighbor? You have been naughty.
HAHAHAHA.
I hope that sends a message. DON’T EFF WITH ME PEOPLE.
I love you Brittany! You never fail to crack me up!
I SO relate to this post. I recently started going to a chiropractor against my husband’s wishes (he thinks chiros are on par with witch doctors and shamans). Well, it wasn’t really AGAINST his wishes per say, because I didn’t tell him. All my friends referred to the chiro as my “secret chiro boyfriend”. Well, the guilt overcame me one day and I decided to “tell” him about my new boyfriend.
I told him via blog post.
Um, he never read it. I wrote another post soon after, then another, and now it’s buried and frankly, he may never see it. Tons have people have seen that post, and even virtual strangers have approached me to ask if he’s read it yet. Nope.
I stand by the fact that I’ve told him about my boyfriend. Just like you tell Andy stuff at 3am. I can’t help it if he wasn’t “listening”, right?
Here’s the post, if you feel so inclined. It’s called, “I cheated on my husband and I don’t know how to tell him”.
http://thedailynusz.wordpress.com/2010/09/02/i-cheated-on-my-husband-and-i-dont-know-how-to-tell-him/
I used to wonder why it seemed like it’s always women who have a problem with insomnia. After reading these comments, now I understand. Apparently it’s the men who have been keeping them up.
My eyebags confirm this.
I’m jealous of your relationship with your husband….
I am showing this to him so he will appreciate me more.
And also let me buy things.
We never hear them snore when we are madly in love. I love, love, love your blog. It always makes me smile.
You told him – we have it in writing.
Great talk, team. I’m going to start having my best parenting conversations in the middle of the night too….only I’m usually the one asleep and he’s putting his fingers into *my* nostrils.
That wasn’t a hose, that was a giant poisonous snake.
I KNOW OMG!
on the sleep chewing: I found that if you just lay your finger below his bottom lip for a few seconds it generally makes him stop.
its either that or hitting him with your pillow.
I just loved this so much.
Wyatt poop ****** that sounds AWESOME! my Wyatt would love for his name to be Wyatt poopie pants ******.
Ok, so I just found your blog a couple of days ago and have already read the whole thing like a huge dork. And you are freaking hilarious, Brittany, fo sho. And I had to come back to this post at 2 am because I just realized that my wife totally sleep-chews, because she is doing it right now. Oh, she’s always done it. I just never knew that’s what the hell that crazy-ass noise was. I am dying right now. The more you know, huh?
OMG. (commenting AGAIN!) So I was preggers with my now 2 year old, near the end of the pregnancy, could NOT sleep to save my life, bc I was itchy as hell (PUPPP-it’s such a bitch), heartburn and oh, the 10 pounder that would NOT stop the annoying hand swipe in my nether regions, tickling me from the inside (so not cute, little dude), and hubby was snoring SO F*ing loud, but his mouth was closed, so I very reasonably thought If I pinch his NOSE shut..his mouth will pop open, and no more snoring. WRONG. His EYES popped open, and I guess I looked really evil, like I was trying to kill him..he slept on the couch for like, a week. Ooops…Ahh, you kill me.
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