Why are we all in the shower with you, mom?
I was just asking myself that same question, Wyatt.
Who decided I am allowed to be left alone for a week with three children?
Someone drunk, apparently.
Last night it stormed. Super loudly. It was the Donald Trump of storms.
I was all, seriously, storm, I can’t understand anything you are saying, when did you become a republican, why are we yelling!?
Jude, Wyatt, Gigi and I, huddled in one bed together. The one I deemed to be the furthest from the old tree that will probably fall down when it’s struck by lightening and kill me in my sleep.
Which is why, come tornado season, I sleep in clean underwear and shave my armpits.
Andy was asleep in a hotel room 150 miles away.
I wanted to call him and tell him I heard something downstairs. A murderer, probably. They are notorious for striking during thunderstorms.
I thought of him sleeping on his snooty clean sheets, with his snooty unsticky coffee maker and his snooty unclogged toilet.
It would be nice to let him sleep. To enjoy sheets that don’t smell kinda like pee or the carpet of a fraternity house during rush week. To soak in that glorious REM for all it’s worth, safe from night terrors and sippy refills and me…pushing and kicking him repeatedly until he readjusts and stops snoring, so I can then attempt to fall asleep in the four second window before he starts snoring again.
Then I remembered the last time I was asleep in a hotel on my trip to New York, and Andy called me at 1:45am to ask me where I kept the bouillon cubes because he was in the mood for soup.
Hey, are you sleeping?
Yeah, is something wrong?
Is it thundering there?
I have no idea, I was sleeping.
It’s thundering here. Maybe it’s not there yet because of the time difference.
I’m still in Ohio, I’ve explained time zones to you already, what’s going on, I am tired.
And I thought, tired? You’re tired!? You got to hang out with your adult peers all day, none of which you had to wipe after they pooped, eat two hot meals in two restaurants without cutting up anyone else’s meat or pulling chewed up crayon out of anyone’s mouth, and now you are blissfully snoring in a clean bed, in a temperature controlled room with free porn and no tiny children crawling all up on your business when you are trying to have sex dreams about Mr. Darcy. Do you really wanna play this game with me, Andy?
I think I heard someone downstairs say they are robbing us.
You actually heard someone in the house say out loud that they were robbing us.
I think, I mean, it thundered and the house vibrated and, like, I heard it all whispery, through the vents, like a ghost who wants revenge.
Ok, I see where this is going, it’s just a storm, I’m going back to bed, call me if you see someone in the house brandishing a weapon.
Fine, Andy, you just enjoy your Applebee’s and your king size bed, and don’t you worry about us being murdered, because I’m sure we’ll be just fine.
The next morning my mom arrived. Andy had called her and asked her to move in for the week.
She brought two bags, 3 bottles of Pinot Grigio, one bible and five pugs.
If I was a revenge seeking ghost, I’d be fucking terrified.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Free porn? I am staying at the wrong hotels.
This is EXACTLY what I thought when I read that part of the post!
I know right? I always have to pay for my porn at hotels.
Wooty woot for moms bearing wine. My mom is usually bearing margarita makings. She’s way more fun since she decided liquor isn’t the devil. I am *concerned* about the pug army though … that’s a lot of dogs. Plus they grunt and snore. Maybe even more than Andy.
I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to stop reading your blog at work because it’s just too hard to explain why I’m laughing when I can’t stop laughing long enough to explain. I’m not even sure that made sense.
Now that I think of it, it’s probably easier to explain to my co-workers than to my Mexican, non-English speaking husband who still doesn’t understand what a blog is despite many explanations. Thanks for sharing and for putting me in that predicament
Andy sounds exactly like my husband, always trying to be logical, where there is no place for logic.
All the dogs will form a house-roving band of intruder-murderers. No one would be scared of one little pug, but five? They’d come at your from all angles and you’d get your ass kicked. The the intruder would have to go to his criminal hide-out all beat up and tell his criminal buddies he was fought off by pugs.
Lovelovelove your blog. Highlight of my day when I see that you have a new post. The first post I ever read (Intimate Conversation) is still one of the best reading experiences I’ve ever had. My hubby and I might have read it aloud to friends at particularly dull dinner parties – he playing Andy, me playing you…such an honor. Anyway, praying for your sweet Jude baby. Thanks for keeping life interesting in blogland. Hope you survive this Pugcation.
five pugs. LOVE IT.
I wish I could write something clever expressing how funny I find this post but I can’t so I will just say… HA!
My sentiments exactly.
That next to last line….I almost fell out of my chair, and I have tears in my eyes from laughing so hard. Can I borrow her the next time my husband goes out of town? She clearly doesn’t mess around.
Clearly she should’ve brought 5 bottles of wine. You know, to even out the drinks you’ll need per pug
Shit, that made it sound like I was saying give each pug their own bottle and that’s just ridiculous. You would give them something real cheap, like Boone’s
Ah, the bottles of wine and the pugs. Yin and yang. Good and evil. Mother encompasses all.
–>I have moved to the couch a few too many times lately because of the snoring and I. Still. Hear. Him.
Okay, so in Andy’s defense, I work in the same industry…..he may have actually had to wipe butts after someone pooped. I swear to God I do everything just shy of that. Actually it’s a running joke in my group that my boss texts me from the bathroom when he’s ready to be wiped. Just like my kids:)
Glad your Mama’s there. I always like that, too!
My husband was just out of town for four nights to go to March Madness. Yes, I said four nights. FOR MARCH MADNESS. Did I mention we have three kids? And in true i’m-going-to-make-your-life-as-difficult-as-possible-kid-fashion, two of the kiddos came down with high fevers. On the second day. And in true I’m-the-husband-I don’t-have-t0-raise-the-kids-I-just-have-to-play-with-them-fashion, he came home SICK. He won’t STOP snoring. Even on his good side. Needless to say I’ve had no sleep in five nights and haven’t left the house in four. Except to take the non-sick kid to school and buy wine. How did I get here?
It would take more than wine to let my Mom move in…were talking tequila and xanax…right now I am in the middle of a puke fest 2 kids…boys age 2 and 10 months…my husband is gone for a few days…and you know what everything covered in vomit isnt half as bad as the nervous breakdown my mother would give me….which is saying something because I am on the verge of a mommy meltdown as we speak…I got smart though…she cant suprise me either… She cant even get in the fence I locked the gate and let the dog that bites her loose…yeah I am a good daughter like that…lol
It’s sad when a mom can’t rely on her mom
Having my mom around when things are hectic with the kids just makes it worse because she’ll be all judgy with critisicms disguised as helpful suggestions and generally undermining my ability to cope. Good luck with the kiddies, Cas.
My Mom unfortunately would be of no help what so ever.. She would do things similar to your Mom except she wouldnt begin to try to disguise them… or she would get so totally drunk and obliterated I would end up taking care of her too. We have a pretty good relationship its just not typical…we are more like friends…occasionally we are more like shrink and patient…I will give you one guess who the patient is…lol. I envy the mother daughter relationships where the daughter can lean on her Mom.. Unfortunately I have never had it. Its made me a stronger person though…it has also made me appreciate people in my life more who do let me lean on them…. Thanks for the well wishes…they are both taking a nap right now…and I am about half way thru with the mess of laundry…I do believe I will survive this…but when the hubs gets back…I damned well earned a girls night out!! …a real one where there is tequila involved..lol
I love you, I really do, which is why it pains me to be the one that ruins your idea of a happy place, but here goes. If the hotel has free porn, the sheets are probably not as clean as you would think. Which is good for you because you can be somewhat happy that Andy is probably open mouthed drooling on a pillow that has seen things that would make porn stars blush.
….as if I didn’t already have enought issues sleeping in hotels…
Andy and your Mom rock. Hubs had surgery today so I’m off till this weekend and my MIL is coming in to watch the kids for 5-6 weeks AND play nursemaid to the hubs. She rocks too:) I was thisclose to having my parents here for this weekend too b/c as my Pops told my Mom: she’s alone this week w/the kids. We could help. I love them all:) If I could I’d help you too!!! Hope you have a great week!
PICTURES OF SAID PUGS, PLEASE. STAT!
I feel your pain. My hubby visits the headoffice once a month for 3 days. It’s better now that the kids are a bit older, but I’m actually looking forward to his next trip. Why, you ask? Because he’s going for 10 days and he’s taking my 2 year old (who I adore, but who has never slept through and who wakes at 6:30 like clock work everyday) with him to visit my mom-in-law.
Leaving me with the five year old who sleeps through until 8:00 and who is very undemanding compared to his little sister. I’ll miss them both, honest, but oh boy am I excited.
I’ve made an appointment with the dentist, the optometrist (I’m wearing the same contacts I wore at Christmas), the hairdresser (my first haircut this year), appointments to observe my sons sessions with his speech therapist and his occupational therapist, a one on one with his teacher and last, but not least, my first facial in seven years!!
Enjoy the wine. Hope the pugs catch the ghost
Maybe it shoulda been 5 bottles and 3 pugs, or 5 n 5 is cool. I had a pug. I loved him n he loved me and he would sleep beside me n when he started to snore I’d push him a little n tell him he was snoring and he’d quit. Then my stupid husband took him off somewhere. I guess he was jealous. So now I’m divorced. I guess he won’t be taking my other dog off. Bastard.
Anyhoo, buy a buncha glow sticks and have them in stratigic places around the house, I bet ghost don’t like those. And you can be pretty in the dark. Just a thought….
Hang in there, Andy will be home soon.
My husband works nights. We have five kids. I work from home with no childcare. Yes I hate him and need a stiff drink around 5 pm the days he works. The end.
God woman, you crack me up!
Fortunately, it’s rare that my hubby has to go away overnight but it does happen. Happened 2 nights ago, actually…we had vacation plans and his grandmother died but we were going “back home” anyway on this vacation. So he just extended how long he was going to stay (quick plug: it’s all in my latest blog entry
). Meanwhile, long story but I stayed over my in-laws’ house that Sunday night, instead of my own. Prolly just as miserable as you…between the 9 (yes, freakin’ NINE) pet birds chirping in the middle of the night and the house much warmer than we leave ours and making sure my disabled mother-in-law stayed alive and healthy under my watch…NOT a good night’s sleep 
For some reason I got all weepy when reading this… I think I love you and Andy.
Fucking pregnant hormones.
Lucky. My mom only brings a bible and judgement. Never wine. Or dogs.
Now THAT made me laugh!
Your mom is like Macgyver. Prepared for any emergency.
My husband would never call anyone who would bring me wine. He knows that then he’d be getting drunk-dialed about every 39.494 seconds. Can we switch moms for a bit?
The five pugs of the apocalypse…
Oh my.
Seriously I need to bring my kids and come over. I will leave my dogs at home. My hubby leaves tomorrow morning. I hate “sleeping” in this house alone. It is 100+ years old and makes funny noises. The basement is flooding from all the rain. My kids sleep blissfully unaware of the constant danger of creepy people who might break in our house while I am here alone with them. I will spend the next few nights crotching until my eyes are bleary and I simply pass out iin my bed from exhaustion. Only to be woken up again at 6 am because apparently Wyatt, like his father and brother, is a fricken morning person!
I think I would have to kill my husband if he did that to me!! I take my MIL in very small doses!!! She is wonderful but only for about 10 minutes at a time! Good luck!
Oh my goodness I don’t have kids of my own but can totally relate! I watch my cousins when my aunt and uncle travel and they have a ginormous house which creeps me out when I’m the only one over the age of 13 in the house. Last summer I swore someone had broke in and literally had a heart attack…it was a stupid toy car in the toy room that moves itself. Since when did they start designing toys that scare the crap out of adults?
By the way my name is Grace and in my spare time I blog about my crazy life but my day job is student and intern at the Orlando Science Center. I wanted to offer you 15% off an OSC Membership, no pressure it’s just an offer:) Loved your straightforward writing style!
I did this once to the sportsman. He was out of town. I heard something. was terrified and couldnt sleep. it was prob around midnight. I had him drive all the way home to be with me.
I should of known then he was a keeper.
but yet daily I question why we are still together.
Since you’re in charge of keeping the kids alive does that also involve making the big bucks? Because I want to advertise on your site and I have sent you a couple of emails with no response. Does that mean I can pay you in skittles vodka?
your writing skills blow my mind.
100% admiration from my end.
peace out.
Loved this post! haha. I am now a follower!
-Reyna
http://www.glamglory.blogspot.com
Ghosts hate pinot grigio. They also hate peanut butter cups. You should probably stock up on them, too.
Found you on Little Miss Mommas face book and so glad I did. Soooooo Funny. your new biggest fan!
Ok that was HI-larious! You are SO funny…but your commentors are freaking funny too! I have been laughing for 10 minutes now reading this. Love it. Thank you. I needed a good giggle tonight.
Two things.
a.) came across your blog because you are a fellow “BLOGS YOU SHOULD READ EVEN THOUGH MINE WILL OBVIOUSLY REMAIN YOUR FAVORITE, SHE SAID INSECURELY’ over yonder on Una’s blog…really glad I checked it out.
b.) I’m rather excited for the amount of blog stalking/archive creepin’ that I have ahead of me.
heart,
hawk
I have to play the EXACT SAME kick-my-husband-until-he-rolls-over-and-stops-snoring then call-asleep-on-four-seconds-before-it-starts-again game! Except sometimes the plan goes horribly awry and he wakes up and gets all angry that I’m kicking him, but I totally just pretend that I was asleep and I haven’t the foggiest idea why he is getting mad at me for just SLEEPING. What a jerk.
*fall asleep. God bless autocorrect.
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