Yesterday, Jude asked me why my stomach was so big.
First of all, mental note right there to stop being naked in front of the kids. Second, does anyone else hate how kids are totally allowed to be dicks because they just don’t fucking know any better?
Third, big compared to what? Because he drew a person in art class with a head the size of a car and teeny tiny T-Rex arms, so honestly, I think his scale is off.
And fourth, I just had Chipotle, so yeah, it was a touch distended, if we’re being honest.
So anyways, I was like, um Jude, you can’t tell people their stomach is big, and he was like, why not? And I was all, because that’s mean, and he was like, why is being big mean, I think being big is awesome.
And then it occurred to me. My kids have no idea what fat means.
Here I am thinking my kid is an insensitive douche-bag, calling me fat after I ate a burrito the size of a 28 week fetus, when in reality, he totally thought he was paying me a compliment.
So then, of course, I felt like shit.
I tried really hard to remember my parents being naked…until I scratched myself across the face with a wire hanger all, what the fuck is wrong with you, Brittany!? You spent years trying to unpicture your parents naked, why are you undoing years of therapy? I mean, those co-pays weren’t cheap. An eighth of pot was at least $40 a pop, and that was the nineties.
At some point, I had to realize that my parents naked bodies weren’t as awesome as famous people’s naked bodies, you know, for reasons other than the fact that they were my parents and I saw their private parts and wanted to die.
As it stands, I go to the bathroom in front of my kids, drag them into dressing rooms, hell, these little leaches have even tagged along to OBGYN appointments. I am pretty sure Jude learned to count based on the stages of cervix dilation. If I was a homeschooler, he’d be well on his way to being a doctor….or a porn director.
But, I never feel self conscious or aware of how my body looks in front of them. I don’t suck in my stomach, or grab a towel when I jump out the shower fast because I forgot to take my tampon out and Andy freaks out like a little girl if I leave it on the edge of the tub, or lift my boobs up with my free hand while I try to fix my inside out Spanx with the other.
And I definitely don’t think I ever complain about my body in front of them, I save that foreplay for Andy.
The stretchmarks on my breasts are out of control and I think I’m getting a zit in my ear.
Did you wanna mess around fast?
I guess.
I cannot be the person who destroys body image for my kids.
I’m already responsible for their fear of old people and unapologetic cursing during Jackie Chan movies.
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
I can’t help but to laugh because my 6 year old just asked me yesterday if I had a new baby in my belly!
This is so true.
On so many levels it is so true.
Girl, you are too funny! I love that he thought he was paying you a compliment! HA! Kids.
Recently found your blog and will officially be stalking it from now on
Thanks for this point of view, I had never thought of it this way. It’s so ingrained in me to teach my daughter that she should respect people for their differences, I never thought that I may be encouraging her to see them in the first place.
Awesome post, as usual.
Thanks! It never occurred to me either, until after I failed at it. It’s how I learn:)
Awesome awesome awesome. I fully support naked parenting!
I often wonder how long it is okay to be naked in front of the boy. He’s only three so I’m pretty sure I have at least a couple of more years, but at what age would that warp him. These are the kind of things that need to be in parenting books.
A good rule of thumb is, stop when he points at your vagina and laughs.
That should have been a red flag for me….
Love it! I don’t want to instill body image issues in my kids either…although my 8 year old thinks EVERYONE is skinny…lol
Also, side note, WHAT THE F, ANDY…why aren’t you updating the emails?! I’ve been reading the same SYTYCD one for FOREVER now….
He posted today! http://barefootfoodie.com/brittany-email/christmas-shopping-november-19-2010/
THANKS! I was happy to see that…also, he DOES read your blog, right?! Even I know what to buy you for Christmas! lol
He actually doesn’t. It’s awesome because when we talk, I just assume he should already know the thing I am telling him, and when he doesn’t, I am like CHRIST I JUST WROTE ABOUT THIS YESTERDAY NOW I NEED TO RE-TELL YOU ALL MY FEEEEELINGSSSS.
I can officially remember when I was no longer allowed to take showers with my dad. I was about 3 or 4 and mad that my younger sister got to and not me because I was “too old”.
My hippie mother however was always running around naked until I was about 17 and asked her to stop.
So much super awesome, I don’t even no where to begin, much less end, the praise!
This: “I am pretty sure Jude learned to count based on the stages of cervix dilation. If I was a homeschooler, he’d be well on his way to being a doctor….or a porn director.”
GOLDEN!
My youngest son is the smallest of our family and HATES it when I call him skinny. He thinks being skinny is weak and we are all strong. Yes baby, we are fat strong!
I’ve been facing some of these same thoughts concerning my daughter. Because I so don’t want her to make ANY of the mistakes I have because of poor body image issues.
Thank you for giving me an awesome new point of view.
I’m all alone in the kitchen, snorting at your post. Boys especially find being “big” impressive. I think it lends to their weird obsession with (ahem) “size” later on.
I also still streak around in front of my boy/girl kids. When they don’t like it anymore, they’ll stop hanging out in my room in the mornings. They are both somewhat modest in the weirdest ways. They won’t get in the shower in front of us, but WILL stand naked in their rooms with the door open afterward, in full view. Kids are weird.
http://www.alotoflayers.blogspot.com
So wait, if I just sit around naked in my living room watching TV when they are teenagers, they will leave me alone and never ask me to drive them ANYWHERE!? This is BRILLIANT!
One time I was volunteering at this like AIDS action kids doctors appointment something something and we had to like color and play with the kids while their parents were at Dr’s appointments. I was wearing a skirt and sitting in a kids sized chair and this adorable little girl looked at me and said “you got BIG legs” but in a tone that was complimentary so I said “thanks! I know” in an upbeat tone, even though I was 16 and wanted to slay myself right then and there. I realize now that I am an adult that the parents of those leg complimenting kids had much larger issues than me and my BIG legs. PS they are still big, but I don’t care as much. I kind of like them big and strong.
On the other hand sometimes kids’ cluelessness about looks/bodies/ages is amazing. I asked my nephew how old he thought I was and he sized me up for a second and shrugged said “17?” I’m 31. God bless you Griffin.
My kids are convinced I am 10.
I may have, however, told them Andy was 45.
I once had the little girl I babysit for ask me why my belly was bigger than my boobies. I died.
I’m naked all the time at home. I just like it better. Clothes are mean. And my kids know that if they burst in my room, they will likely see my nakedness. But they don’t seem to care. Except my oldest, but he’s 18 now and probably would rather bleach his eyes then come in my room anymore.
Mine don’t ask me why any part of me is big. Probably because to them I’m just mom and I look how I look. They *have* however (my 13 yr old daughter) told me to “quiet down” late at night because they may be kids, but their hearing works just fine.
Aw-kward!!
Man, if being told to hold it down during sex by your kids is not the ultimate in “cock-blocking” then I don’t know what is…..bella, you’re my super-hero on the teen front….brittany on the little kids front.
If your kids tell complain you are humping too hard, you are totally doing it right. That, I think, was a famous Chinese quote.
I still run around naked with my kids – 7 and 3. If fact, my son thinks our group shower in the morning is required. On days I don’t get in the shower with him, he is quite upset. My husband has recently said he thinks it is time to stop that. Before I had kids I would have thought it wierd, but being in the situation makes me feel differently. My son has no self conscious issues yet with seeing his mom naked or being naked in front of anyone (my step-daughter started the selfconsciousness when she was about 5).
Don’t you hate it when you forget the tampon take out before a shower?!?! I hate that quick jump out and run to the toilet
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Awesome post. I fully support naked parenting as well.
Made me snort about the whole tampon thing. My hubby nearly has a heart attack if I leave one unflushed in the commode. The flushing takes away the water pressure & makes the water cold for about 2 minutes and I usually am stepping into the shower so I plan to flush when I get out and sometimes I forget. It’s no big whoop to me but he calls me into the bathroom and is all detective on me like questioning me like I commited a heinous crime. He would DIE if I left one in the shower. It’s almost worth trying just to see what kind of reaction I would get for it.
Do it and report back. I think it’s important for men to know about menstruation. God invented it.
You take your tampon out before you shower? Why? lol
We are a naked friendly household. When the kids decide they are too old to see me naked, they can stay out of my room when I’m naked. lol
Because if I don’t take it out, I will forget and shove another one up there, and then it’s like a whole Locomotion dance of tampons inside my vagina.
Um, I SO naked parent. And he’s gonna be 3 in like, 20 days and we still take showers together sometimes. And whenever I’m in the bathroom doing ANYTHING, the door is usually open. Because when your husband leaves for work before you get out of bed then you really have no choice because my dog certainly isn’t going to get his lazy ass up to watch the kid while I’m in there. Instead, it’s cartoons on the TV and an open bathroom door. No one ever told this to me about parenting.
I am ever so thankful that I never saw my parents naked. Must be a generational thing, I was a kid in the early ’60′s, hippies didn’t exist yet.
Let’s hope your kids always think big is awesome. And small. And in between. Just as long as they love the person inside.
sweet girl, i was forced to stop being my naked self around my kids….they were probably about your kids’ age. i reckon they don’t really even care, they’re just babies.
Hi! I was at a party tonight here in Toledo and heard about you from a friend of yours! I had mentioned at the party that I was a blogger, so she name dropped you.
Thought I’d stop by and check you out since we are fellow Toledo bloggers!
Stacey
The Lazy Mom
http://www.imalazymom.com
Well hello!
I so rarely meet someone that lives in my area!
I have naked hippie parents and I thought of them as themselves, not as fat or thin. I remember associating big with cuddly or strong, up until one fateful day. I was a bigger girl – height and girth – and I proud of my size. I assumed others were, too, so I told a family friend how big their legs were and she was horrified. From then on I felt very uncomfortable and almost ashamed about even noticing someone’s size, and was able to not only discern sizes of other people but was also awakened to my own size, in a negatively self-conscious rather than a positively self-aware way. Don’t ask me how the hell I plan to deal with the issue when I have kids – it’s a minefield!
What a horrible experience. I hate how we get our lasting self worth from others. Like they have ANY idea how awesome we really are?
I. LOVE. This. Hilarious and heartwarming, all at once.
You rock.
I so needed this laugh right now. Thank you.
Love it! Absolutely love how your blog makes me snort and giggle.
okay..as hilarious as you are. You have to stop hating on your body cause we have ALL seen you in that swimsuit now..and I am willing to bet 99.9% of us look just like you do…so when you hate on your stretchmarked breasts and belly rolls a fairy dies for us all…
You are FABULOUS!!
You are right.
I am trying.
It’s so a minute by minute mentality for me.
I shall save the fairies.
I have been reading your blog fora few months now. And I have enjoyed every single word you’ve written. You always make me laugh – even when you are discussing serious issues. I am in awe of your amazing parenting skills.
I also have stretch marks, after gaining 87 pounds during my pregnancy. As such, my stomach looks like I am a survivor of “When Animals Attack” – but I’ve never hidden that from my son, either.
I’m fairly certain my parents crossed the line with regard to nudity because I have a pretty clear picture of my Mom douching in the bath while I tried to avert my eyes during a conversation. I think I was 8. I also remember The Horror of seeing her giant bush when I was about 10 and she changed in front of me. It’s the reason I get my bikini waxed as an adult.
I always say, we are all going to send our kids to therapy because of something. The question is , how long will they be in therapy for?
I try my hardest not to F- them up, as my parents did me. I sit on a couch with a pillow on my belly because that’s what my mom did (to cover up her pooch)
I never use the word FAT at all. I mean, these adorable little kids will learn about it one day- why ruin them now, you know?
It’s so hard being a mom, yo.
I totally didn’t consider that when my kid told me I was chubby that he thought I was awesome. Which totally explains why he was so confused when I was like, “whaaaaa???!!!” Mom fail.
My kids like me “squishy!” I’ve always been that way. It’s who I am….
OK, so I thought I was the only one that always forgot to take my tampon out before showering and the only one with kids that asked why my belly was bigger than my ‘bra’!!!…thank God I am not weird. My son is 10 and he gets weirded out if I have a shirt on with out a bra. I stopped walking around naked about 2 yrs ago and if I am my kids steer clear….maybe I will start walking around nude again, that way they will stay in their rooms…hee hee!!!
My 5 year old told me the other day that my butt was big and I needed to lose weight, mind you i’m a 26 year old 5 ft 130 lbs