Barefoot Foodie

The scariest people come in the smallest packages. Except for Darth Vader, I think he was pretty normal sized.

January 29, 2010

I can’t fire people.
I do not have it in me.
If I am ever in the position to fire someone, I would hire someone to do it for me.
Because I would probably cry. And lose control of my bowels.
Unless that person did something really, really bad.
Like slept with my husband or touched small children or animals [...]

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Two things bug me: smug people and the fact that Diane Keaton insists on wearing gloves to award shows in the middle of summer.

January 27, 2010

Pregnant people are stalking me.
It’s like they can smell that I am done reproducing, so they waddle up to me all glowy and adorable and rub their gestation in my face.
I just want a beautiful little baby growing in my belly again.
Andy told me to get a tape worm.
Andy’s an asshole.
Motherhood is a club.
Men can’t [...]

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I am going to be sooo rich. As soon as I can find someone who isn’t afraid of ghosts or things that smell barfy.

January 22, 2010

You know what, mom?
I just remembered something, and I am pissed.
Every Christmas you would buy me a Holiday Barbie.
Which was so super fun, because you totally wouldn’t let me open them or interact with them in any fucking way because, one day, they would be worth a bajillion dollars.
Which is like, the most perfect gift, [...]

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I could totally be a man named Justin right now. Or JC Chasez’s beard. Either way, my parents totally dropped the ball.

January 20, 2010

Oh my god, y’all.
I am so super good at naming things, it seems like such a waste.
I have so many awesome names in my arsenal, and now, thanks to Andy’s unwillingness to father anymore children with me, they will never see the light of day.
Unless I buy, like, thirty pet fish.
And even then, how stupid [...]

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I think this makes me a member of the Obama Administration?

January 13, 2010

Disclaimer: Probably not for dudes. Unless you liked The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974 version, of course. Jessica Biel is kinda a twat and ruins every movie she is in.), but even then, things could get dicey.
I just got home from spending four days in LA.
Four days of jamming way too many important events into way [...]

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I haven’t been naked in front of others since 2002. Not that I am keeping track or anything.

January 8, 2010

I want to be comfortable being naked in front of people.
Not like, watch me rub up on this pole naked.
More like, sure, let’s have day time sex…with the shades open…and no covers…with out my tank top on…screaming every five seconds “just look me in the eyes, dammit!”
Andy tells me I am sexy, but I mean, [...]

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Who made you in charge of being better than me this year?

January 4, 2010

2009 was weird.
Like, good weird and crappy weird.
Financial ups and downs, babies, new ventures, unexpected illness, the Gosselin divorce (Hello! Left field!), New Moon, unexplainable loss, GLEE, vasectomies, I don’t know…lots of stuff happened.
I know most people enter the new year with resolutions. Working out, eating better, drinking less, more reading, better sex.
It’s just all [...]

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Lovely Lady Lumps.

December 29, 2009

I have anxiety disorder.
I am panicky, and anxious, and I spazz out really, really easily.
I am not rational or logical. Ever.
When I get sick, it’s always on Friday night, so I have the whole entire weekend to rationalize why I am probably dying.
It’s a good time.
So, the night before Christmas Eve, I went to bed [...]

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Bourbon. It’s the reason for the season.

December 23, 2009

As my gift to you, I wanted to share with you the only reason I even participate in holiday festivities. The bourbon slushie. This recipe has been handed down from my mom, and then perfected as friends pass along new recipes and my tolerance continues to flourish (read: more bourbon please.). I hope it makes [...]

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The best gifts. EVER.

December 21, 2009

Guess what.
There are only 4 days until Christmas.
And that means, if you haven’t bought your gifts yet, you are so screwed, because online shopping won’t get here in time, and the mall smells like a hot, sweaty, bowel movement.
Now, I didn’t do a gift guide like a lot of other bloggers, because you probably don’t [...]

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Not a food blogger. Just me being a dick.

The scariest people come in the smallest packages. Except for Darth Vader, I think he was pretty normal sized.

Two things bug me: smug people and the fact that Diane Keaton insists on wearing gloves to award shows in the middle of summer.

I am going to be sooo rich. As soon as I can find someone who isn’t afraid of ghosts or things that smell barfy.

I could totally be a man named Justin right now. Or JC Chasez’s beard. Either way, my parents totally dropped the ball.

I think this makes me a member of the Obama Administration?

I haven’t been naked in front of others since 2002. Not that I am keeping track or anything.

Who made you in charge of being better than me this year?

Lovely Lady Lumps.

Bourbon. It’s the reason for the season.

The best gifts. EVER.

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